The 21st of May, 2012
I am admitted to the adolescent ward of a psychiatric hospital
I am 14 and wish I could have gone home to swallow those pills
I am admitted under suicidal ideations
I have no idea what that means
It stops my parents from finding me hanging pale and blue in my closet
The air feels like better days to come
Somehow I capture the feel of the air and the smell of the earth in that moment
When it felt like the world stopped
It comes back with the springing of lilies as a reminder of how far I’ve come
Ironic isn’t it, that I got help in the season of rebirth?
It was mine as well
Coming forward with your struggle weeds out every person who wasn’t there to stay in your life anyways
When I was admitted to the ward I was afraid of who I would meet
But they were some of the most beautiful people I have ever met
My sister was too young to know what suicide meant
My parents told her I was sad and would be back soon
As if that kind of empty isn’t completely debilitating
I felt lost at sea with no way back to shore
When she was old enough to understand
Her tears told me she understood how those 8 days kept me alive
I hope she isn’t crippled by her own mind
The way I was
Some days I still am
Please, get help
Please