Roots

A famine lost our stories that we were suppose to pass down in the language we got stolen when they cut out our tongues

I like thinking we came from the cliffs with the cold ocean hardened us to steele

But I know it is more likely my father’s great-grandparents came with hollowed out cheeks, able to count every rib protruding from skin to stubborn to give way already

My father grew up in Boston, a city notorious for its diaspora population

As an impoverished kid he saw his fair share of street fights, living in his fair share of projects

Noting he was one of 5 Irish kids in a disciplinary high school full of Italians

Maybe that’s why he spent so much time running and teaching us that the English we had grown up with was wrong outside the house

Because in his youth he was lesser than due to his roots, and the dialect we were all taught would give us away

Scars of the past still linger in the memory of my father

Yet knowing I have the same stubborn as his mother is the best heirloom I could have recieved

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Daily Prompt: Sympathize

 

To the girl struggling with her new disabled identity –

I see your frustration and fear

I see your anger

This new adjective was added to descriptors of myself when I entered college despite the diagnosis at 14

Figuring out that having to think more about fully picking up my feet wasn’t something everyone else had to do didn’t come until college

And damn is ice difficult when you get around on malfunctioning feet all the time

Some days I want to whisper that I understand your struggle yet I still carry shame in this uncomfortable adjective tacked to me

Denial eats away at you saying “I’m normal, I just have to get around a little differently”

Ending with you realizing you now have to navigate the world while reminding yourself what your body is incapable of trudging through

Finding pride in your body and the way it functions unlike the next person’s is a lonely journey when you’re one in 250,000

One day there will be too many falls and black bruises kissed by pavement equally as dark

My side will be kissed by a cane to aid my feet unable to leave the ground behind without dragging

But right now you can only see my hands tremble, unable to wrap around fine motor skills, some days worse than the others

Medication covers the pseudo-seizure episodes plaguing my body too many times a day for me to avoid becoming a target

I will not die of this but some days I am afraid my muscles will betray me enough to do so

I still see you though, and I hope you hear me whispering that you are not alone in this

via Daily Prompt: Sympathize

A Type

I guess you can say I have a type these days

His eyes are the colors of the ocean in the Caribbean, arms just as warm

Since you I have never dated a brown-eyed boy

My mind screams danger every time I find myself enamored by one

I hope your lips taste of the warning I left for every girl since

His heart is home when I’m a ship lost at sea

His words aren’t daggers getting under my skin long enough to leave a wound never to heal

You were an addictive poison my mind tried to get rid of but my body couldn’t stand withdrawls

For a year after you left I didn’t realize I was still alive

I have saved every letter but I no longer remember the love you handed me wrapped up in a package convenient for you

The locket matching yours lays unworn on my desk with a photograph in which you’ll always be young and sweet

I wish all the time wasted on you could given back to me, I wish all the pain was transferred to your memory so maybe you’d feel guilty

Before loving someone now, I have to let them know what you did to me and more often than not they run the opposite way

You branded your name on my skin so no one would love me the way you did

I hope no one does

Healing Hearts

My heart recognized yours before I knew it was you

Before I knew how I would love you until there was nothing left of me but the whispers of my name in the wind

Happiness manifests itself brighter now that you’re here next to me

I no longer felt as if I were wasting someone’s time by loving them

Giving more than I would ever recieve

I no longer feel like I’m running out of time with someone

Feverishly trying to memorize the way your smile forms, mapping freckles on your back

 

Sitting on the couch healing cracks said never to heal, going over memories I had long buried hoping they would disintegrate into me forgetting

Working through pain of years long gone, auctioned off to people who could put them to better use than I could

I had nearly given up, but your hands are patient and your heart is welcoming

Healing every part of mine broken by a man whose name can’t escape my lungs anymore

And I give you everything I can in return

All the misplaced love for people undeserving I now gift to you, every moment I can give back to you with laughter shared

You make me want to live my best life with you by my side

Love of 15 Year Olds

5 years later I no longer recognize the soul living in your body

Just a faint reminder we were once so closely bound by the pain we shared

You mended yourself with the grace of God you so thoroughly believe in

Preaching His greatness, He extracted the drugs from your veins, making them forget their insatiable hunger for all that is bad

I used the art whispered down through generations instead of folktales

The ache still runs through me duller now than it was then

I don’t know if you even remember yours

Our bodies still remember but my soul no longer recognizes yours

We have both healed into better versions of ourselves

Maybe that means forgetting we were once in love – but an artist’s hands never forget

But my heart can

Guilt of a Survivor

Someone’s rugged hands translated to the scars on my hips

His words were the poison drowning my lungs

I befriended addiction and thought I had no one else to blame but myself

The thorns at my side didn’t kill me but they sure as hell tried

Spiraling down to a rock bottom lower than I thought I could go

Watching someone I love also struggle, thinking if she was making it out then so could I

She never made it out but I am still surviving with ailments shared between us

The weight of her loss carried with me now, wishing I succumb and she survived

How could someone who once brought light into my dim world have her shine turn to darkness

Every day my heart breaks knowing I will never get to see her recover alongside me

I wanted to take all her pain away and I failed

I failed her

Love(d)

Our past whispers with the wind and no one can hear it but us

I heard your name slip out of someone’s mouth

The warmth of tears trying to escape my eyes felt familiar and it became a little harder to breathe

You stole my heart back in that moment just for it to return to me once I spilled harbored emotions over you

Places our laughter once visited, entwined, won’t let me forget you are no longer a part of my present tense

I still have that photograph of you in front of that red building, a smile playing hide and seek with me behind the lens

Passing that little place where I felt your warmth next to me had me bottling up anything I still had for you – maybe that would dull the empty where you once lived in my heart

I heard your name escape someone’s mouth recently – she said you were quiet

All I could do was smirk because I knew you once

You were a storm filled with adventures and silly, the perfect companion for a little while

I thought we had more time

I still try to remember you happy in the past tense with me

Sleep

One night you wanted to sleep next to me to keep me warm but I was afraid I’d wake up screaming

I vividly dream when I’m down but I was overrun with anxiety and the buzz of mania, so there was just darkness preparing me for the grave

You cannot fully tell someone how it is living with what happened to you and its reprocussions

The best analogy I have is a locket bound around your neck with memories you do not wish to remember but you cannot take it off

No matter how much you scratch, tug, pull – it’s still there

I still have yet to explain to him how alone you are in addiction – the pain fading for a moment while you destroy some other part of you

And how you chose this because no one could hear you screaming

 

Daily Prompt: Risky

Or more aptly – dear the mascara stained pillowcases

 

You knew we wouldn’t last through the sweet summer air

Hair windswept and eyes as green as the sea, I so badly wanted it to be you at the end of the aisle

Loving me was risky business, you had to look at the shattered pieces of me glued back together, running your finger on the jagged edges

Wounds he left I could never heal on my own and I thought it would be the love you handed me as the bandage

You knew your mother would never approve of this loudmouth firestorm you called your girlfriend

I still partially blame her for your leaving but you were also an adult trying to make decisions best suited for yourself

I have to accept you’re never meandering into my room again to cuddle between dreams and love like it would be the last

I loved you like you would be the last I would let inside the cavern my heart use to reside

Sometimes I wish I could fully forgive you jumping out of my life like I was some plague who would one day kill you

You said we would keep in touch but I know damn well your name will never pop up on my screen again asking to just be in each other’s company

You still think being seen with me is a risk but you no longer feel like it’s one worth taking

via Daily Prompt: Risky

Tango With Death

Someone asked me “what if you go to hell?”

I had to refrain from saying I had already seen it in the illness that took me away from this realm

Coming back to earth was a feat I still haven’t totally accomplished

I could not tell you the exact moment I felt death’s breath on my neck but 6 years on he still reminds me he hasn’t left

There are years lost in translation, still in the dark because I didn’t know how to turn on the light

You cannot bring the dead back but you can revive those on the brink

And I cannot shake the survivor’s guilt

There are people whose hand betrayed them and stripped them from this world who had more to give than I

The ground still knows the soles of my feet but it has forgotten yours

Hell was seeing you fade in front of me

Hell was replanting my feet on the earth after the voices told me to leave it all behind

Some days I still think of taking up that offer

And some days that is hell