Daily Prompt: Homage

For every before me, whose existence still is between the lines years after their deaths

 

My sister talks about the children I will have that she wants to spoil

Assuming I will be able to have children with my future partner, assuming we want them, assuming they will not bar us because our genitals are the same

And we all know God does not want that and they are only implementing His word via my body as if they don’t wear mixed fabrics or eat shrimp

This morning I did not hear them yell faggot at me because I have learned to block them out with headphones but I did see their eyes raking my body with disgust

As if their love is pure and mine is dirtier than the marshes in the April showers plaguing our state

My friends tried to “turn me back” by telling me their disgust the first time they kissed a girl – assuring me that will be the only time because “I am straight now”

And for the girls with the baggy jeans and flannels hiding behind her messy hair – I see you

I know you are unsure of yourself but I promise I’ve got you

We can do this, even when you think the world is ending

When they strip our rights and try to kill us, I will be your sheild

Our people suffered through Reagan but I promise we will survive this one, even if we have to go back underground

They cannot take your magic from you

via Daily Prompt: Homage

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Sexuality

There is a field by my house filled with flowers in the spring

Often when passing I wonder what those flowers would look like braided into her hair

Wildflowers, lilacs, and daisies nestled into her brown curls

And I wonder why I am so afraid

I know who I am but I weary to admit it for you may see me as a sinner

Someone who you want to discard from society

My people still have bloody wounds being filled with salt

The flowers blooming for us are being plucked and put into a vase, strangled into silence

Please do not let us die

We have fought for so long to get this far but we still have so much more work to do

But I am afraid we have taken 5 steps back

And I am so sorry I even exist to make people uncomfortable

Like it’s my fault and not the fault of the figures in power spewing hatred, creating an atmosphere breeding more and more hatred for people who dare to be different

I am so afraid to step out into the light that I keep myself in darkness in case this all takes a turn for the worse

Her eyes are the brightest part of my world but even she is afraid

I just want to be able to hold her hand in public without the fear of who may be watching

Give us the space to exist, please do not try to kill us again

For now I just imagine the flowers in her hair and hope we can live in our own truths one day

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

Girls and Drugs

By the time I was 11 I knew I wasn’t the same as every other girl who likes boys because I like girls too

I grew up knowing there was never really any room for me

They never asked me who I had a crush on because they were afraid of the name that would leave my mouth

Instead they decided the only way to deal with me was to call me dyke, gay, boy, whatever they could fit their mouth around to teach me to be ashamed of my desires while they flaunted theirs

They taught me I was not the same but something of a monster, something of a second or third class person – I was always on a lower level than them

Suppressing my love meant turning to anything to keep the pain away

I knew I loved her but I couldn’t kiss her because I was told that wasn’t allowed

I spent so many years pining after her wishing I could have

So many years I spent not knowing the difference between wanting to be a girl or wanting to sleep with her

Many days I am still afraid to linger too long with my eyes on a woman for there is a certain violence I do not wish to know anymore

8 years later I still dare not speak about it even after spending years washing this disease out of my skin and being assured this is ok – that it’s not a disease but a superpower

I am still able to talk about my drug use more freely than the fact that I want to kiss girls and I am also a girl

Daily Prompt: Vanish

Her hair didn’t curl around her face with little ringlets, not it framed her face with harsh rigidity

I swear to God she was the only one who could have woken me from an eternal slumber

Every thing she said sounded like she was reeciting Shakespeare – in the most endearing way

I would have used my last breath to ask her to repeat me a lullaby to send me away

She was gentle but started a fire in me I have yet to vanquish

But when summer came she was but another story to file away in my file cabinet of deepest secrets

The only way I keep her close to me anymore are the t-shirts she left me with

Half a country away I wish her hands were tracing my frame but we all know too well mormon parents and two women in love does not mix without an explosion

She forgot about me when she was stripped from this bleak place

She was the only one who the stars wanted to visit and since she left they have not shown their faces

Vanishing with nothing but an apology and a love I can only give to her

She healed something in me that will forever remain tattooed on my brain

The scar will remain until she comes back which is to say it will always be here

The pain of losing her will forever remain here in the back of my head

Thoughts of how she would love something so beautiful and bright like herself

via Daily Prompt: Vanish

8 Years Old

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

Carving my skin as if it was Thanksgiving dinner

Painting the constellations in your eyes

Desperate to map every mountain, every forest making a home of your body

I wanted you drawn in the beauty I saw you before you left

Before I snapped, letting myself no longer be

At 8 we would swing high enough to see our feet touching the clouds

Hoping to get a taste of heaven for a moment

Five years later I wanted the whirlwind of pain to stop haunting me

Heaven or hell, didn’t matter to me as long as each piece of me agreed to no longer function

My brain no longer consented to being alive

Everyone thought I was a monster for an illness I didn’t put on my Christmas list, though they thought I did

I didn’t ask for my mind to quit on me so soon

I was a job it no longer wanted to work

None of me works like its suppose to anymore

I tried so hard to memorize you before you left but these days I can barely remember where I am

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

To My 14 Year Old Self

You’re never going to hear from her again

No matter how many poems you write about her

Nights falling asleep thinking about how she feels curled up next to you

Tasting the honey of her lips, the wine of her laughter

She’s going to forget you when she forgets this place in leaving for the misery of Missouri

Learn to love this place instead

Memories of her will tangle themselves in the thorn bushes, trees, the sound of being alone by the forested waters

She won’t come running to you even if you’re the last breath of clean air

I’m sorry to break your heart baby

The curve of her smile is still etched under your skin

Don’t tear it out – that’ll hurt more than remembering

Every piece of simple beauty will remind you of her

The clouds in the sky, the whistle of wind in the trees

Let yourself remember her in her rawest moments, the way you loved her

Just because she didn’t love you back doesn’t mean you can’t let yourself love the memory of her

The Feeling

There are colors we don’t know about

Places we can’t describe yet

But we’re more focused on whom others spend their lives with

Getting tangled up in stories over coffee

Falling more for the smile that crosses when she recount memories I haven’t heard yet

Surprising her with lilies I know are her favorite

The warmth I feel when I look at her could describe the colors we don’t know

She’s home to me

Musing about the hues living in her hair

The hues of  love she makes me feel

But people are more concerned about the lack of a man in the picture

Than the happiness I feel with her

Having us shrouded in darkness with men because loving each other is “unnatural”

I still give her lilies to tell her I remember

She has me feeling like the places we don’t have the language to describe

People are still concerned it’s “her” rather than “him”

Almost Was

To the  first girl I fell in love with-

You moved halfway across the country years ago

You probably thought I’d be dead by the end of that calendar year

From the sight of scars running up and down my thighs you caught glimpses of in the locker room

We were all filled with a sadness none of us knew how to escape

I haven’t spoken your name since you left

It use to spill out of my mouth as wine spilled into my veins

I got drunk off your laughter

I started smoking the year after you left

I guess you leaving left a new void – I don’t think I knew how in love with you I was

I didn’t get enough time to memorize the map of your eyes

How cliché is it that I wish I kissed you when I got the chance?

You use to steal my shirts in the locker room after gym class

I would wear yours home – I still have some I refuse to let go of

It would be killing the memory of you

It’s the last thing I have tying me to you

I hope you kept mine – I didn’t want to tell you that you left this town with my favorite shirt

It’s a little goofy I’m reminiscing about some shirts

I can’t love anyone the way I love you

You heard music in my silence

You loved the way I looked at the world

Would you still love me if you saw me now?

 

 

 

 

 

How to Kill Yourself Without Actually Dying

 

 

Option 1: Stay in the closet

Be with someone of the gender you’re not attracted to

Convince yourself it’s right even though you know damn well it’s wrong

It’s like you’re suffocating yourself

Option 2: Fall in love with someone who will never love you back

It’s as addicting as the drugs sold on the streets

You know, the kind that collapse your veins and make your heart stop

Option 3: Stop acknowledging your emotions

Then you no longer feel your heart being ripped to shreds

It’ll hurt more when you try to start feeling again

Those emotions you subdued for so long acted as the elephant in the living room

Option 4: Forgive yourself for everything you didn’t say

It’ll feel like you’re drowning

You know it’ll be too late

It doesn’t hit you until now that swallowing those love notes

Hurts more than it would’ve whispering them with your warm breath into her neck

Option 5: Give up on making everyone happy

You’re always going to disappoint someone

Maybe your mom will disown you

Maybe your sister will stop speaking to you

This will never stop feeling like you’re swallowing poison

Or jumping off that bridge

Your family’s disapproval will always sting

No matter how far you run away


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