Dear Abusers

Everyone told me to keep living
What they don’t understand is
How much your soul gets damaged
When you’re beat down into the ground
So far down that you feel dead, numb
The bruises you left
Came with a few side effects
Nights contemplating whether I was enough
To keep gracing – or stumbling – upon this earth
With skin stained red
You could walk up the latters etched into my skin
My voice shook when I talked
I was unsure if anyone was willing to listen
I was so thin I could’ve dissapeared
No one would’ve noticed
They don’t understand what it’s like to be so betrayed
By the people who were suppose to be your friends
Don’t tell me you didn’t do anything
Or that I’m overreacting
When I was found in a bloody bathtub

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Age Living With Society

7 years old
Not a care in the world
12
All the girls in my grade are so much thinner than me
So I stop eating
13
I’m afraid to go to school
She’s going to hit me again today
Like yesterday and all the other days before
I start dissecting myself with scissors
So the darkness begins
14
I’m so thin I could disappear
I stumbled upon a razor blade to spill my veins on this page
And down the drain
The darkness is consuming
Maybe that’s why I’m in this hospital
15
They gave me PTSD
I hallucinate on a regular basis
Without drugs
No one listens
He tells me I’m beautiful
I don’t believe him
16
He left me with cracked ribs
I am no longer thin enough to disappear
People are starting to listen
But I still feel so worthless
I split open my veins
So why am I still here?
Because I’m more than that

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To Stay or To Go

How am I suppose to love you
When you walk out that door
You return drunk
Pleading
“I’ve been nothing but good to you”
My soul is cracking
Waiting for a reason to stay
All I get is begging
“Don’t leave you’re the best I’ve ever had”
That broke me
How am I suppose to leave?

All I want is to be happy
If not with you
Then who?
I swear my decision won’t be
Drowned in whiskey
Or drowned out by the dull thud of my heart

I swear I can’t feel happiness anymore
Maybe this is what those poets meant
When they say they were drowning

Don’t guilt me
If I stay or if I go
And don’t spit out
“Do what you want”
If I barely know my name

Love Past Tense vs Love Present Tense

All I wanted
Was for you to love me
Hell you probably still do
Or at least still feel something
Maybe hatred
Actually – probably hatred
See it only took me walking away
To quit being so oblivious about it

Now he loves me
A musician and a poet collided
An alcoholic and an smoker
When that combination collides
Love is eternalized

When he touches me it’s not the same
When he dresses words up pretty to make me feel better
It’s not the same
I loved you
But that love was one sided

I felt this burning sensation
It was as if you didn’t
You didn’t feel a thing for me

Now he’s furiously in love
Either with me or the idea of me

You ask what it’s like to be sober
To tell you the truth I haven’t been less
I couldn’t manage drunk so I tried high
High didn’t feel nearly as good as nicotine
I should probably depend more on nicotine than blood

But I miss you
And I still love you
I don’t know what’s next