Not Always Bruises

People always ask why I left my ex

Because he is oh so attractive

Or he is so musically talented

Just because someone is aesthetically pleasing

Doesn’t obligate you to stay with them

Nor does sheer talent

He told me he could never love another the way he loved me

Yet he touched me as if I was a book he no longer cared to read

He talked down to me

Like my default was on my knees

A month after I left him he deleted me off Facebook and unfollowed me on all social media

Talk about being fucking bitter

See he didn’t have to experience the power of his words

How they felt like kicks and punches

Leaving me feeling black and blue

Every time I stood my ground his words would rip out my throat

He stuck his hand into my chest

Suffocating my heart

Twisting it out slower than paint dries

Enjoying the sound of every blood vessel ripping

Don’t tell me he was a good fit

Survivor’s Guilt (Or Lack Thereof)

If someone were to ask me  to count each individual time I wanted to kill myself

It would be one finger

Because when you no longer want to live

You can’t turn it on and off like a light switch

It’s more like the moon cycle

Ever changing in severity

Ever changing in your plan to end your existence

At the height of my depression I had at lest 3 different plans

Which is impressive for a 14 year old

Being perpetually sad leaves its marks

There are still shards of glass living in my skin where I would perform surgery on myself

There are still splinters in my heart

And some days those splinters make my heart heavy enough to sink to my feet

My hands are still cold as stone from the night I shattered

Because I used the stitches from mending myself =

To mend someone else

People often ask how I’ve changed since then

And most times I struggle to find an answer

Truth be told I still loathe myself as much as I did then

And some nights the darkness creeps back in

To the point where I would set my bones on fire to warm myself back up

But I have more days that smiling doesn’t take any effort

I laugh until my lungs struggle l to find air as my laughs turn into wheezes

And I look in the  mirror proud to be alive

Proud of who I am

There are things that I have dreaded having to do everyday

Like going to math class

Or getting out of bed in the morning

But I eventually grew to enjoy them

So I guess when people ask how I started to love myself

I’ll tell them it’s a lot like waking up and getting out of bed

Because as someone who dreaded each and every breath they would have to take throughout the day

It’s an accomplishment to love oneself again

And you have to realize that some days you will be the only one who loves yourself

Which is perfectly okay

Because sometimes those are your good days

Rebirth of Dating

Generations X, Y, and Z are getting older as are the rest of the world. We are beginning to go to college, getting married, having families, and starting our careers. As we are doing this, we are being chastised for the way we meet our potential significant others. With the launch of Tinder, 50 million people use the app, and in my experience it isn’t always people under 25. Personally I have had someone 55 years old come up as a suggestion. No, I did not swipe right on that since he is older than my mom.

Many people, like myself, use dating apps like Tinder ironically because we are skeptical of dating sites in general. Older generations often criticize the way Millennials do everything, but keep in mind that when these older generations were kids, they had technology and ways of life that their parents didn’t have at that age. A Time article adequately puts this into words. “There was feminism in the 1970s – which freed women to heed both the urges of their bodies and the imperatives of their dignity,  allowing them to make the kinds of choices they never could before.  There was the pill in the 1960s and the back seat of the Chevy in the 1950s. There was the exquisite collision of illegal gin, hot jazz and the forbidden lure of the speakeasy in the 1920s.

Millennials seem to be taking dating not as seriously as their older counterparts once did. Many of us see that there are larger issues at hand than how we meet the person we marry if we marry someone at all. Keep in mind how at the moment the birthrate is down as well in America. The same Time article has a quote that I find fits well with why all this is: “Gordon cites 9/11 and the global recession as formative experiences for Millenials – and they surely were, piling burdens of loss and economic hardship on the shoulders of young people who might not be equipped to bear them[…]it makes the work of finding a mate more lightweight” See 9/11 occurred when I was 4 years old, and we are just finishing pulling out troops from the war caused by thus as I’m 18. We will most likely be paying for the war’s debt for the rest of my  life – maybe longer. The market crash occurred when I was 11 years old and America still hasn’t quite recovered. I will be feeling the effects of it for the rest of my life – most Millennials like me won’t ever be able to afford a house.

I saw a quote in a NY Times article that read “Traditional courtship – picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date – required courage, strategic planning and considerable investment of ego[…]” Clearly the author has never had social anxiety nor had to ask someone on a date via text. At least with a phone call you can forget about it – with a text you can read the rejection and heartbreak over and over and over again. I’ve given up so much of my ego to ask someone out via text just to be rejected.

There was a quote from another NY Times article that I really loved on the subject reading “[…] it takes dating back to the pre-Internet era,  to a time when people met potential partners, about whom they knew relatively little, at parties, bars, dog parks […]”. In reality, our dating habits aren’t as different as yours were. We are just worrying about different things than you were at our age. In the modern world, building families isn’t a priority anymore. Building our careers have become the priority since the job market is becoming more and more competitive.

Tinder isn’t the end of the world. We’re just trying to survive, so stop acting like your parents did towards you. Keep in mind you guys were the ones on OkCupid and Match.com as your marriage fell apart while we were shoving dirt in our mouths.

Phenomenon

When I look in the mirror I see an almost carbon copy of the last two generations of women on my face

The same etches of lines when I smile

Eyes that make people forget wars are being waged

A nose that makes people think I could be Rudolph’s twin

A laugh that unapologetically carries across a room

Mannerisms that invite people

Freckles that somehow only wander the length of my nose

Yet I don’t feel as strong

I may still be young

I may be strong in ways that aren’t visible to me yet

But the last two generations I see in the mirror

They tell me to keep going

That I can do anything I set my mind to