Thoughts While my Partner Plays Videogames

I wish I was having as much fun

I wish he had more time for me

His heart is still hers, isn’t it?

He still texts her everyday

Her fingerprints are still covering his heart

She will thank me when he returns to her arms

Because he found what he needed in someone else

But he finally came back, as if she were his lighthouse when he was lost at sea

Or is this all a delusion?

These days I cannot tell the difference between dream and awake

For it is a dream being by his side

But it feels as though he will leave me vacant

In my dreams he leaves for her

But I am too afraid to tell him that I am afraid

And here he is playing games as I fall apart

If loving him is the last thing I do, let me go

Ghosted

1. Our first date was at a coffee shop’s jazz night followed by drinks

You called me an expensive drunk as we laughed ourselves past 1am

2. You would take me out just to spend an hour with me

Telling me any time spent with me was a good time

3. You made me feel special for the first time in months

4. Days would go by without even a text

Weeks gone by without seeing you

5. One day you were gone with the wind

Blaming myself for not being enough for you

Wondering where I went wrong

Maybe it was when I fell for your smile

Or loving you despite the walls I knew would always be there

Fragmented Lovers

One month I am getting too drunk with a man 5 years my senior

Trying to forget the pain that came before

The next a man who thought he would spend his life with me

Drowning me in his brokenness

Taking until there was nothing left for me to give

Another I reached the clouds with

I do not remember his name

Only the way the weed drowned my loneliness

One night with a man I never intended to see again

Two months with a man I tried to make love me

I tore myself to pieces for him

Making myself bite sized and palatable for him

None compared to the love I had for you

All that love turned to grief when you left

I thought I would spend my life with you and it was gone in a snap of the fingers

Now I am drowning waiting for a love like that again

Sobering Up

Cheap vodka no longer burns my throat

Boxed wine no longer tastes so bad compared to the good stuff

Wiping away the lies I tell myself sober

I do not have a problem but a solution to the nights remembering

Forgetting the way you made the cold in my bones grow into spring

I could not tell you who else kissed my neck after you left the flowers to wilt with autumn

Who tried loving me well enough to replace you

Tequila on a budget wiped my memory clean

I told myself I did not have a problem until six months later realizing the warmth I felt was the whiskey

Not you returning to my bed, softly snoring with the morning light illuminating my love for you

Sobering up from your love and the whiskey is something I am learning to be fine with

I am still trying to forget how your laughter filled me

Blooming

We fell with the autumn leaves that September

Your love made me bloom into who I thought I was with that spring

Your eyes brighter than a summer’s day

A deeper blue than any I had ever seen

You left in the depths of winter the following year

Leaving your side of the bed cold

My body remembering the way the legs of a sprinter intertwined with mine as we slept

Months later I still found myself leaving room for you, just in case you decided to come back

Forgetting I was whole before you

But watching you leave without uttering a goodbye shattered me

I am now forgetting your laughter, the way your eyes lit up when I entered a room

I no longer recognize the man I thought I would marry

You are no longer the man I once would have died for

I find comfort in that these days your heart would no longer recognize me either

I am growing back into myself, with the spring and a strength I forgot I had

Blooming into what I once thought impossible

You were not the world as I thought it was, I am

I will cherish our adventure until the end of time

But now I am making better memories without you

Thank you for holding my heart for a while

As I gently held yours

7 Years, A Love Left

At 21 you are not suppose to die

This is the time you are blooming into adulthood

I tried plucking myself from the earth this mortal vessel is bound to at 21

Closing my eyes in a feverish delirium hoping I would not wake up

An attempt to kill the monster lurking under my skin

After my lunges failed to give out after the addiction blossomed

After my liver refused to give in

 

Seven is not my lucky number

14 was how old I was when I actually had a plan to carry out, yet being put away the same day I was planning to leave

21 was a feverish dream

The only way I can explain it is that I had left the building

The building being my brain

Looking back, it was probably psychosis brought on by a severe depressive episode

Come to learn I was misdiagnosed for 7 years

 

But the static seems to be getting louder after you walked away

My father quit smoking when my mom threatened leaving and they have been together for 30 years now

What I mean to say is that you made me want to put my addiction on the shelf

I would have quit for you – that was how much faith I had in you being the one

But now I’m trying to find the light everyone talks about

I can’t seem to find the good in goodbye

And I am so sorry I was never enough when you were everything I ever wanted in life

Reckless Heart

I told you to hold your heart safe after me

For if your heart broke, I was afraid of you forgetting how I made you feel

How I made you feel so at home

Or how I loved you recklessly

But maybe therein lies my mistake – showing you a love so full of magic

Loving you without bounds

I showed you the parts of me still living in darkness

The parts of me I had buried too deep for other lovers to unfold for years

I did not take my own advice

Too reckless for the first I had fully loved in years

And for once I wish I had not fallen asleep next to someone for once

My heart is shattered and I am forgetting how you made me feel

Maybe for once this is good

Sleep

Weeks after your leaving, I still fell asleep leaving room for you in my bed

For months you said you spent nights crying yourself to sleep before fracturing my bones with a few simple words

How could I notice, myself being a drunkard for the last months before your leaving?

Maybe it was the week before when you started falling asleep not entirely laying down so I would not notice the dried tears on your pillow

So I would only notice the soft morning sun illuminating your eyes and ruffled hair

You looked innocent as a child untouched by the woes of life, deep in slumber

It took a week sober against my will until I tried drowning your fingerprints still lingering on my frame

Weekends barely remembered in hopes to forget the way your smile forms, but I was still drowning in my own thoughts

You said you don’t regret any of it but I am sure you still see the pain in my eyes, behind my smile when I see you

And some nights I find myself leaving you room as I fall asleep, still

“Sorry”

You said you were sorry as you were leaving

Thinking sorry could fill the gaping hole left in my chest

It was the last nail in my coffin

My lips know the bottle too well anymore

I thought I left this addiction behind – my tired heart was hoping you would be different than the rest

Imagining our future 10 years from now snuggling on the couch with our dogs before a fire

Our friends stopped recognizing me for the chaos was foreign to them

Yet all too familiar before I found the one I thought I would spend my life with

Two days later you were with someone new and I was but a whisper in your memory

I am still shattered, comforted by the chaos that embraced me for years before you

As I find comfort in the bottle once again

One Love Twice More

You looked so much like someone I loved

Yet I did not have the time to tell him – he saw a brief passing in me when I saw so much more

Maybe that was why it was so easy to let those three words run loose

My hands memorizing the shape of you was whispering memories back to life

You ruined me just as he did

I should know your type like the back of my hand

Shattering hearts in a sheer moment

Somehow I thought this would be different

I should not have given you so much of me without question

You said you do not regret anything of our time together

And we had so much beautiful time

Even if it was the same fleeting moment as one saw in me before