Spread Your Wings

Lay down your weapons

Every word meant to kill me

Unclench your fists, they’ve already done their job

My heart was left black and blue a long while ago

There are no more tears left for you in my eyes

When we stopped talking I first felt like I was living on a tightrope

Whenever something significant happened I wanted to tell you like I always did

But every time I got the brutal reminder that you weren’t here to listen anymore

As time went on it was easier to forget

There’s a Peter Pan quote out there somewhere – something along the lines of don’t say goodbye because it means forgetting

Yet when I finally allowed myself to say goodbye, it allowed me to spread my wings

Forgetting allows me to open my arms to anyone who needs a friend

It opens my heart to allow the right person all of my love

For now I can be happy alone

Alone does not mean you’re failing at being desirable

You may be allowing yourself to heal

Or on a mission to find your forever

Just lay down every bit of anger

And live free

For someone may be looking for a person like you or I

Because believe it or not someone can enjoy a girl who basks in her weirdness

Sometimes a stubborn girl with no volume control is just what someone is looking for

Advertisements

Miss Trauma

Trauma doesn’t  like to let go

I have a theory she doesn’t know how

I have blocked out every single memory

Yet she still makes herself known

She taps on my shoulder when I’m walking down the street

Making it so I have to look back to make sure my past isn’t lurking in my shadow

I do little things like wearing contacts instead of my glasses

Because remembering events tied to something seemingly harmless reopens scars I thought had healed

Trauma whispers you sweet nothings

Seducing you with ideas that you deserved each kick, punch,  and everything inbetween

When someone tells you that you deserved it because you keep  falling into the same goddamn cycle

Smile and tell them no

Finding my smile again hurt more than explaining over and over again what happened

You can’t tell me  my worth anymore

I find it in a sun that blisters skin

A moon that leads to home like a compass

And everything else inbetween

Strength

People ask me why I’m so open when I talk about my illnesses and what I’ve been through

As if the kids who didn’t live to see the light of today aren’t brave

They suffered until they could no longer

Their cries are haunting

More blood is spilled every day from people like me

While they lay in death’s silence

There is strength to be found in suffering

They found the strength to say they couldn’t do it anymore

I found the strength to utter the words I thought I couldn’t

All of us

Dead and alive

Share the same story

“I thought I couldn’t”

“I was tired”

“I was bleeding”

“I was indirectly killing myself”

“I was indirectly killing my family”

Strength is not always time clean

Or years alive after the breakdown

Sometimes strength is finding the exit

Scars and Sunshine

When I was in the adolescent ward of a psychiatric hospital

The other teenagers and I were asked to draw our illnesses

Using Crayola markers I drew a thunderstorm

Rain pouring out of the clouds steadily hitting the pavement like I imagined myself

Lightning bolts representing every time suicide was more than a fleeting thought

Each breath I took ached for it

Rain meant every time death was on the backburner

But blood still rain down the shower drain

One of my friends called me “a fucking idiot” for wanting to kill myself

My response was that he could call me all the names he could think of

Nothing could be worse than what I thought of myself

There was a boy in the outpatient program named Andrew

We called him BiPolar Bear

The last memory he has of me

Was my face red and blotchy after a meeting with my mother mediated by the social worker assigned to my case

She was the person I kept telling there was something wrong with me

But she listened to me like she listened to a fire alarm whose batteries were low

There was a girl who attempted suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills

Upon learning about her discharge she gave me and a few other girls she referred to as her wives “wedding rings”

I brought mine to college with me 3 years later because I still wonder how she’s doing

I have my roommate from that stay as a friend on Facebook

I’m so glad she’s still alive

I remember every late night sitting on her bed playing 5 Card Draw

Scars still linger on my skin from coming of age with a mental illness

You have no idea what it is like

The only constant thing was the therapy visits

I hesitate to show my scars on the beach when I wear a bathing suit

Usually I wear swimming shorts

But for the first time in 5 years I wore that bikini

I have never felt so much strength in so many stares

Even though I have not been cleared of my troubles

I still lend out a hand to people like me

Because no one deserves to be silenced in their own misery

Returning Home

I feared that she bleached my name from your tongue

Because everytime you speak it she feels daggers

There’s a ghost of me that still echoes in your chest

The more you try to run away the closer it brings you back to me

Yet I’ve never felt so far away

I’m your best kept secret

Of course she knows I exist

I guess she doesn’t know thoughts of me keep you awake at night

People who are meant for each other

Always find their way to one another

You’re meandering back in my direction

Our paths crossed for a little while

And they’re destined to meet again

We were too young the first time around

So come back into my arms

Only  then will you be back home