Notes For An Ex

Heartache is a vicious beast trying to claw its way out of my heart from the inside out. No one can see how I’m dying inside. I still ache for his touch.

My heart is being ripped out of my chest because you don’t love me anymore.

I keep tearing you out of my skin and sewing you back in during my sleep. I just need to let go.

I miss when you kissed me passionately. You’re slipping away from me and you don’t even notice it. My heart stings like it’s screaming for you to come back in to my arms.

I want to tear open my chest and set my Desmond free. Unfortunately it’s not that east. Instead parts of them slither out of my veins.

I like winter because you can’t tell which is your breath and which is the cigarette smoke.

I got drunk last night to forget about you. Instead your memory came back 10 times stronger. I’m not sure which hurt more, the hangover or remembering.

I’d rather relapse than love you again. You causes me more pain than the blade ever did.

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For Someone Who Isn’t Afraid to Hold My Hand

I will not be your Pudge
Who says “I love her present tense”
When Alaska sends her chest through the steering wheel
I will not be your Juliet
Yes I realize 6 people died because of her and Romeo
That story should’ve been about Mercutio
Who instead of seeking medical treatment after being stabbed
Made a pun and died
I won’t be the Hazel Grace to your Augustus
Who fought his dying bout of cancer with him
But nights you’re wondering why I’m with you
I promise I’ll be more than the shy girl who hides behind glasses
Tripping over her words
I’ll show you that you’re more than the slits on your wrists
Maybe I’ll convince you that the sun shines from your smile
And god I love that smile

Love Past Tense

Keep this poem in your pocket
Or list if that’s what you want to call it
This is what I learned while I loved you
Yes, love past tense
I am no Pudge from Looking for Alaska
Who will say “I love him present tense”
When you pass away in what I hope is 70 years
Here is what I learned when I loved you
1.) Depression runs its course different from person to person
2.) Insomnia – you’re lucky you sleep too much rather than too little
I need to remember to tell my parents not to worry when I fall asleep at 7 in the evening
3.) Self harm isn’t always a razorblade meeting skin – sometimes it’s a match meeting skin
4.) Say “I love you”  as much as you want, your lover will still have an illness
5.) No matter how many poems you write about them, it won’t be any easier to forget

I no longer have butterflies for you
I have a fierce fire
All my love now belongs to a man
Who’s shyness matches mine
Who hides behind glasses
His love for music runs as deep as mine
I could answer his smile with mine
And chase his laughter with mine
Until death do us part
He is happy as the sun shines
And boy could it shine from his smile

The Curse of Mental Illness

When I was sick

I didn’t tell him

I was afraid I was going to scare him off

With my hallucinations

And the voices that screamed at me

To tear open my skin

When you were sick

Endless streams of water left my eyes

The first time you set fire to your skin

I dragged the blade on mine

I thought I was the guilty one

Because I was 3 years into it

And you were a day

When I was in the process of leaving

I was afraid

For I thought you would set your being on fire,

Fill your lungs with water until you were no longer breathing,

Attend your funeral with the rope as your tie,

Drown in pills and alcohol

And I would be as Courtney was when Kurt died;

Blamed for the death of a lover

All I wanted was recovery

For that I needed to leave