Anti Hallucinogen

Zoloft acts for me as a crutch that allows my moods to stay on the ground

Recently I was off for a couple weeks for the first time in 3 years

See I don’t really know how long it was because I lose all understanding of the concept of time

And usually the voices are dull and whispering like the quiet hum of FM static on the car radio

But they were turned up to the sound of thunder cracking, crackling, colliding

Just as I remembered

I had to act like I didn’t have knives twisting my heart out

I had no idea if I even existed

Maybe I was a phantom

Or in purgatory

The first week without I didn’t want to leave my bed

My feet were bricks that I could not carry

The next couple weeks

Insurance was fighting me

Presumably trying to kill me

Paranoia was seducing me with ideas that everyone was trying to kill me

My father said I sounded so far gone that it scared him

Because maybe this time the voices would actually convince me to fill my lungs with concrete

Emptying the roadmap of veins running through my body

Watching a loved one go through this is like watching a horror movie over and over

Thinking the ending will be something different

Over the phone my father asked about the hallucinations

Trying not to tell him that part of me was convinced his voice was one

I told him they were old friends visiting

I couldn’t bring myself to joke that I should name them

Eventually I got my lifeline back

Stopping the world from spinning 20 different ways while collapsing in on itself

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