Half a Year

Day 1

Yesterday you told me you were going to cut me off

So you could move on

Apparently it’s part of your healing process

As if I can just cut off all my feelings for you in an instant

Month 1

I’m still getting use to your absence

Every time anything significant happens

Good or bad

I want to pick up the phone and tell you

But I remember you have a new girlfriend now

I guess I didn’t mean that much to you

Month 2

I finally deleted all the photos of you off my phone

Seeing your face smiling back at me through the screen makes all this harder

I guess this is what moving on is

Month 3

Our text thread has been deleted to the archives

You no longer love me

I’m learning to live without you

I’m actually happy now

Who knew that was possible after you

Month 4

I finally get around to deleting your contact

I guess I just accepted that you are never coming back

I’m finally comfortable in my own loneliness

I’m sorry I failed you

Month 5

I saw a photo of you for the first time in what feels like a lifetime

I barely recognized you

You’re not the same person I remember being in love with

That’s ok – I’ve changed too

I think I finally stopped loving you

Month 6

I forgot how long it’s been

I stopped counting the days since the last time your voice touched mine

Only the glance of a calendar reminded me

I guess I spread my love into things that deserve my attention more than you

I hope your happiness has returned to you

I hope you still think of me

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7 Years

One day your touch will be forgotten by my skin

My lips will have forgotten how yours were tattooed upon them

For the first month your were gone

I would stand in the shower hoping its scalding heat would wash you off my mind

The first time I saw you and her in a photo I smoked my lungs black because I was sick of screaming your name to an unhearing sky

Unearthing the mountains between us was easier than forgetting how drunk I was on your love

Almost a year has gone by since I last saw you

A year since you last touched me

I have 6 more left before the last traces of your fingerprints are erased from the memory of my skin

I have already forgotten your smell

But somehow I still have the way the sun refracted in your eyes in a locket over my heart

Along with the way your smile seemed to keep some storms at bay

I guess some things are harder to let go of

But when you finally let my hand go, I would be set free from the grip of someone who was a flame to my gasoline

Genetics of Addiction

I was born with addicts running reckless in my family

Addiction meandered up and down my veins

Planning the perfect time to strike

Hitting me like I’d imagine an 18-wheeler would

It’s said that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword

Tell that to my cousins

In and out of jails, rehabs, and halfway houses

Being kept alive by the same society that keeps them locked away

None of us were given a manual on

How to deal with the addiction within this bloodline

Cigarettes, alcohol, meth, blood down the drain, cocaine

Do you get the picture yet?

I watch one of my most beloved cousins

Bury herself in a grave we all dug for her

Now whenever she’s flying with the clouds via her choice of opioids

You can tell by what she posts on her Facebook

But I only see the destruction in person

Once every 2 years and this last time she looked like her skeleton was about ready to jump out of her skin

None of us asked for this

Yet America’s justice system treats addicts

Like we’re just high school kids who can be fixed with a stay in detention

Mental illness and genetics play a tango in this dangerous game

I thought that the darkness would leave through my lungs with every inhale of the poison I took

At least nicotine is legal

My cousin smokes cigarettes to ease himself off the science experiments he made of his own body

At least he didn’t blow up everything he loved

Every single one of us has that “at least” clause to excuse our addictions

Hoping our sons and daughters don’t get our tattered genes

Dance with Me

We change with the seasons

Yet I can’t bleach you off my mind

Fall – ironically I fell for you

Every time I smell the perfume I wore in that moment

I feel as if I’ve taken a trip in time

Back to high school gym class

Winter – I pulled you closer to warm myself back up

The snow and the emptiness haunting my bones don’t mix well

Spring – you weren’t afraid to hold my hand and dance in the rain with me

I never felt so alive

I never felt so in love with anyone

Summer – we continued to dance together in the rain

We were goofy, we were kind

And your house always smelled like laundry

Every time I catch a whiff of laundry now it rockets me back into your arms

Fall – I think this is when we fell away from each other

I don’t like to remember how it hurt

The entire future I dreamt of us disappeared

 

The spring rains have returned again

It feels like monsoons without you here

The rain whispers your name with every drop

Come dance with me again

To whomever puts a ring on my finger:

When you find me I’ll probably just be a casing of skin and ┬ábones

Nothing more

When I was 11 I was convinced no one could ever love me

And high school was just one failed relationship after another

I guess hormones got the best of me

I set myself on fire for boys who only wanted to watch me burn

I spent too long treating love as a destination rather than a commitment

 

There will be years I don’t tell you about

Sometimes remembering feels like I’m swallowing poison

And the people who caused the darkness lumped inside me

Don’t deserve to be named

There are lovers whose names I don’t have the strength to fish out of my throat

There are more important things than a list of the people who have hurt me – who weren’t right for me

I am more than the people I’ve let touch me

 

You’ll know it’s true

When our souls greet each other

They’ve waited a lifetime to be reunited

I’ll look at you like you put every star in the sky

That will be your hint