Changing Seasons

The person I was 3 years ago would not recognize the person I am today

Even if standing face to face

Which is to say neither will he

He will never come back to me now

Which is fine

Since he was the one who broke me

Forget, Past Tense

Lay me out while I bleed for you

Until everything is but a blissful pink

And I know you will not forget me then

Just like when I whispered my elegy in your ear

Each tether keeping me anchored on this earth snapping

The weight you crushing my chest

I did not want your blood on my hands but that only meant further drowning in the abyss of being forgotten

If I left you would have been dead but if I stayed it would have been my name on that marker

My name left your tongue the first time you kissed her

You forgot about me the moment her fingerprints replaced mine on your skin

I smirk every time I check to see you’re still here

Remembering my tears quelling droughts the first month after

I felt like an abandoned house

You stole everything and all that was left of me was the shell of a woman who you once promised to love until the stars faded to darkness

But you should see me now

Rebuilt on my own, everyone wants to know what was here before but all I have are the photographs of you smiling and my eyes begging for an escape route

Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve

Aftermath

You quoted George Orwell saying “We will meet in a place where there is no darkness”

To which my response was “baby there will always be darkness”

 

For months I beat myself up for not leaving earlier when the first warning signs appeared

Lamenting that I was the only one hurting

You said we would have a future, just skirting around “love” to be someone who once was

I daydreamed of walking down the aisle to promise forever

The white dress leaving our friends and family gawking

Daydreaming about the way the sun shone in our kids hair and the reflection of the ocean in their eyes

I wanted it so badly to last beyond its expiration date

 

These days I tie our memories to balloons to watch them float to anywhere but here

They will see how I gave you so much in so little time

I am still trying to forget the small details

The kids you wanted, the names you already picked, the freckles written on your body you preferred over others

I wonder if she tastes sweeter than I did

Or if the moon told her all the secrets that I gave her nights you soundly snored in my arms

Allergen

The spring allergies developed 6 months after leaving the man who promised me forever

Coincidentally, his birthday is in the dead of spring

My body tries to rid itself of percieved toxins

Or the remnants of his touch months after dusting his fingerprints away

His poison words decorated with flowers twisting into “but I love you”

Lowering my casket a little lower with every argument crucifying me

Having me paint you in the likeness of a god

So that when you left no one would listen to the girl who cried wolf

The only compliment I have left for him is that he is a wonderful actor

His fake tears in the spotlight so no one would see the ghost he left behind

The shell of me pried open with his delicate fingers working in time with the poison oozing from his lips

Dotted with poems illuminating his love for me

Because I was the only one his heart was tangled up in

I guess you were tangled up in me, you left behind some thorns

Each time I see you my heart bleeds a little more

Cheeks stung by tears that flow as rivers

Y’know I just blame the pollen now

 

A passport of every person  who visited my heart:

M.A.

Everyone could see my world shatter when you kissed her two days after we broke up

You know, the same girl who I couldn’t tell where her fist ended and my dwindling frame began

M.P.

Thank you for making your arms home so I wouldn’t feel so alone

You left without a trace and I still haven’t forgiven you

M.G.

I dug my own grave while you watched

You strung your love for me into sweet intoxicating words and they still haunt me now that you’re 3 years clean

A.M.

I nearly slipped from this place and you would have been the one to make sure my grave had fresh flowers

I wish I wasn’t a cyclone disguised as someone you loved

You still haven’t forgiven me

A.W.

They told me you were a phase I would grow out of

I couldn’t bear names thrown like stones for the person I decided to give my heart to

J.S.

I would choose you over and over

J.B.

 

I wish love came with a gift receipt so you could return all the time I spent loving you

Looks and talent aren’t everything when you abuse someone until they no longer recognize the face staring back at them in the mirror

You were lying when you said it would only happen once

N.B.

Sometimes I still feel the warmth of your body asleep next to mine

With the rain drizzling in the early hours of morning, your arms pulling me in, lulling me back to sleep

We didn’t have enough time

R.C.

Our giggles and goofiness compliment each other

Please make a home of me as long as you need

 

“Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.” – Nikita Gill

via Daily Prompt: Passport

I looked for you letters in the dirt

Burning them seemed less likely than burying your love for me in an unmarked grave

I gave up and watched clouds dance across the sky trying to decipher their meaning

Maybe they held the secrets of you leaving without a trace

Nights I drank you in only for you to leave

Scent lingering in my sheets

When I lie awake I imagine a boat floating me back home into your arms

Words of love whispered into my neck

Maybe your words never really meant to last only to keep me tangled in you

I still search for their ghosts

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

Fragments of Feelings

“Even if you called 6 months later, at 3am i’d still answer.” – Unknown

Looking at you ignited a fire in my heart that made its way down to my stomach

Your leaving in silence plucked all the flowers from my heart

All the tears were used in extinguishing that flame that wouldn’t go out until months after you leaving

“You’re trying to leave yourself behind, but you can’t. The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you’ll have yourself with you.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I remember in fragments

Trauma compromised my memory so I would not have to watch over and over feeling the sting of their knuckles on my skin

Photographs capture moments my brain didn’t

Years were flushed away and I struggle to keep moving forward

If they could feel every time I crack back open in the breaking of their heart but ain’t it debatable if any of them have one

Trauma is not the end of the line but I string the memories on a laundry line one by one, running over them again and again so I know I won’t begin erasing them again

Most still leave as soon as they come but I keep those ones safe in a locked box under my bed

“Life went on without you. Of course, it did. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, they tell me, not the end.” – Lang Leav

 

Surviving means ripping yourself to pieces before someone else has the chance to

I know he won’t stay

I breathe in the smell of his skin so I won’t forget but I know when my heart breaks for him I will erase it from my memory thinking it will protect me

The ghosts of freckles down his back are impossible to count but I still try

His hands will try to remember my skin with another woman

He won’t be able to remember the way I look when I first wake up or how my smile forms but goddamn he will try

He will not win that battle

“Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.” – Nikita Gill

I am happy nor sad

I merely exist to feel the wind on my face and the rain stick to my skin

Each rolling clap of thunder and lightning flash bring you closer to me

Emotions come and go and I cannot force them to make a home out of me

I am waiting here for you to come home to my arms