Three

He cut me off, pretending I was nothing to him

He thought he could pretend he never knew me despite what he took

He whispered his secrets into my neck thinking that would make me open up to him

Thinking I would take that one last thing from him

Foolishly I thought he would be the one

Fantasizing about the shitty apartment we would own together because that is all our generation can afford

He was the one reason I would ever get in trouble

After his leaving, I thought nicotine would fill the gaping hole in my soul

He is living his life perfectly fine but I am going to spend lifetime recovering from him

The bruises his words left on my brain

The assault I didn’t know to call by its name until three years later

I wish I could say I wish him peace yet the amount of pain he left on my doorstep wants me to gift him with the devastating consequences of what he did

Three years ago I quit him, now how do I quit the nicotine I replaced him with?

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You once told me you had an alcohol problem

A new lover lies in the same bed you once laid with me in

His broad shoulders rival your long legs and dark eyes

I can’t untangle myself from you; your deception knots around me and wring my heart out of any love I could offer someone else

You said you grew up abused but in the same breath unloaded your own slew of manipulations onto me

I learned about abusive relationships in 8th grade health class and I thought I would be smart enough to recognize if it happened to me

Until it was four years later and came to me in the form of a beautifully broken man I thought I could fix

And four years later I am trying to fix myself

But how can I forget those brown eyes looking down at me like I was the only thing you needed in this damned world

For six months after your leaving I tried drinking myself into oblivion

I still haven’t forgotten all those letters you wrote, hidden in my dresser

No amount of alcohol or drugs has drowned them out of my memory

I hope you got the help you needed

I didn’t

Poisoned Nightmare

Opening my eyes to a clenched jaw and heart I’m sure is screaming loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood

But the soft sunlight warms my partner’s peaceful, slumbering skin

Rib cage rising and falling in rhythm until a snore disrupts it

It was just another nightmare about your hands molding to my jaw

Convincing my tongue that the poison you were breathing in to me was sweet

Arguing the obituary you wrote for yourself sitting in your nightstand was an adequate excuse for slitting my throat too

Because then we will be together forever without your mother standing in between

My love’s leg twitching brings me back to a world I am still barely able to recognize myself in

He is teaching me how to love again

Yet many days I still feel your hands tightening around my throat

Filling my lungs with your sadness

While I was already drowning in my own

The walls are still closing in on me

You eroded me into dust and everyone keeps reminding me of the mountain I was before you – standing loud and proud

It’s been years and my voice is still the quiet whistling of the wind, not the quaking, rumbling earth I was before

His arms wrap around my waist and pulls me in closer as he’s still at peace in his untainted dreams

And I have to remind myself that it has been years

But a few short years of destruction can undo thousands of development

That’s exactly what you did to me

I hope you never make it back to me

Your dose of poison for so long has not bled itself out and I will never be ready for another

A Type

I guess you can say I have a type these days

His eyes are the colors of the ocean in the Caribbean, arms just as warm

Since you I have never dated a brown-eyed boy

My mind screams danger every time I find myself enamored by one

I hope your lips taste of the warning I left for every girl since

His heart is home when I’m a ship lost at sea

His words aren’t daggers getting under my skin long enough to leave a wound never to heal

You were an addictive poison my mind tried to get rid of but my body couldn’t stand withdrawls

For a year after you left I didn’t realize I was still alive

I have saved every letter but I no longer remember the love you handed me wrapped up in a package convenient for you

The locket matching yours lays unworn on my desk with a photograph in which you’ll always be young and sweet

I wish all the time wasted on you could given back to me, I wish all the pain was transferred to your memory so maybe you’d feel guilty

Before loving someone now, I have to let them know what you did to me and more often than not they run the opposite way

You branded your name on my skin so no one would love me the way you did

I hope no one does

Healing Hearts

My heart recognized yours before I knew it was you

Before I knew how I would love you until there was nothing left of me but the whispers of my name in the wind

Happiness manifests itself brighter now that you’re here next to me

I no longer felt as if I were wasting someone’s time by loving them

Giving more than I would ever recieve

I no longer feel like I’m running out of time with someone

Feverishly trying to memorize the way your smile forms, mapping freckles on your back

 

Sitting on the couch healing cracks said never to heal, going over memories I had long buried hoping they would disintegrate into me forgetting

Working through pain of years long gone, auctioned off to people who could put them to better use than I could

I had nearly given up, but your hands are patient and your heart is welcoming

Healing every part of mine broken by a man whose name can’t escape my lungs anymore

And I give you everything I can in return

All the misplaced love for people undeserving I now gift to you, every moment I can give back to you with laughter shared

You make me want to live my best life with you by my side

Daily Prompt: Risky

Or more aptly – dear the mascara stained pillowcases

 

You knew we wouldn’t last through the sweet summer air

Hair windswept and eyes as green as the sea, I so badly wanted it to be you at the end of the aisle

Loving me was risky business, you had to look at the shattered pieces of me glued back together, running your finger on the jagged edges

Wounds he left I could never heal on my own and I thought it would be the love you handed me as the bandage

You knew your mother would never approve of this loudmouth firestorm you called your girlfriend

I still partially blame her for your leaving but you were also an adult trying to make decisions best suited for yourself

I have to accept you’re never meandering into my room again to cuddle between dreams and love like it would be the last

I loved you like you would be the last I would let inside the cavern my heart use to reside

Sometimes I wish I could fully forgive you jumping out of my life like I was some plague who would one day kill you

You said we would keep in touch but I know damn well your name will never pop up on my screen again asking to just be in each other’s company

You still think being seen with me is a risk but you no longer feel like it’s one worth taking

via Daily Prompt: Risky

Dear High School Sweetheart

I try not to keep track of you anymore

I try to forget the taste of your poison but some days it’s hard

When I am reminded of you it feels like the walls are closing in and it gets harder to breathe

I am afraid to see you face to face again for warm tears may run down my face and my hands may shake

Some days I wake up and wish you had finished carving me up with the knife you called love, twisting in my chest where my heart is

Leaving me to bleed out – but you patched me up just enough that I would be a carcass of the person who once held potential

I killed the version of myself that you loved, fearing you would come back for her

You would not recognize me now and I’d rather keep it that way

Your abuse painted me into the sky hoping I would disappear in time to not release your secrets into the night

Telling me I was a masterpiece waiting to be finished, just not by you

Walking away was the best decision I could have made for myself

His Smell

I cannot wash the smell of him off my hands and I do not mind

I saw you for the first time yesterday since I became entwined with him

You have no idea how exhilarating it is to be free from you

Not appreciating the sunshine I folded into your pocket on your darkest days to remind you better are to come

I tried to give you more than I had, heart overflowing with forgiveness because I have loved those sicker than you and they hurt me more than your hands knew how to

When I let you into the darkest corners of me, you told me to close them back off because they were “too depressing”

I gave and gave and gave, you just kept taking and taking and taking without ever giving

He is filling the cracks you were too lazy to glance at

My heart flutters against my chest, his light filling it to the brim

Cuddling up on the couch, he needs me more than you ever needed me

By his side I am calm, forgetting the storms further out at sea I weathered to get here

When I saw you I searched your eyes for whatever may be left for me in you

And I could not decipher the heartbreak

His fingerprints are still on my skin claiming his territory

My hands still smell like him

And I do not mind

Daily Prompt: Enamored

The 20 winters spend in New England means snow crunching under boots acts as a lullaby the nights I can’t sleep because your warmth isn’t filling the space next to me

Hoping your journey home wakes me enough to feel the freshly fed fire in the living room while I make you a cup of tea to warm your fingers and face enough to smile

But the spring showers erode layers built to hide the ruins left beneath

As if a massacre never happened here

My blood on his hands only appears on the bad days when I cannot shake his memory

But the rain also washes me anew

Promising me that ugly sometimes has to preface something beautiful

And goddamn you are beautiful

The summer sun illuminated the eyelashes on your cheek on lazy Sunday mornings through the curtains

Laying so peaceful in dreams

Leaves crunching under our feet as we giggle in the autumn breeze

Warming up in your arms on the couch, preparing ourselves for the colder months approaching once again

Only to find your side of the bed to be empty of a body

But full of yearning for you to have not given up

via Daily Prompt: Enamored

Leaving

In a sea of people I hope your eyes find me happy

For I feel your presence everywhere I go

I so badly want you to be happy with your decision to leave

Yet I hope part of your heart is still broken – the part of it where I once lived

I shed so many tears for you for me to not want you to hurt

Loving you felt like drowning but I would continue just for you to keep loving me

I was so consumed by the fire I felt for you, blinded – I couldn’t see that it wouldn’t work in the end

The way you looked when you left is a painful memory plastered to my memory

I wish I could forget but I couldn’t help thinking about how beautiful you looked in the moments before

Oceans of green stealing glances, blond hair messed about by the wind through the car windows

If you regret loving me, don’t forget who you were then

Don’t forget what drew you into my arms