Daily Prompt: Risky

Or more aptly – dear the mascara stained pillowcases

 

You knew we wouldn’t last through the sweet summer air

Hair windswept and eyes as green as the sea, I so badly wanted it to be you at the end of the aisle

Loving me was risky business, you had to look at the shattered pieces of me glued back together, running your finger on the jagged edges

Wounds he left I could never heal on my own and I thought it would be the love you handed me as the bandage

You knew your mother would never approve of this loudmouth firestorm you called your girlfriend

I still partially blame her for your leaving but you were also an adult trying to make decisions best suited for yourself

I have to accept you’re never meandering into my room again to cuddle between dreams and love like it would be the last

I loved you like you would be the last I would let inside the cavern my heart use to reside

Sometimes I wish I could fully forgive you jumping out of my life like I was some plague who would one day kill you

You said we would keep in touch but I know damn well your name will never pop up on my screen again asking to just be in each other’s company

You still think being seen with me is a risk but you no longer feel like it’s one worth taking

via Daily Prompt: Risky

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Dear High School Sweetheart

I try not to keep track of you anymore

I try to forget the taste of your poison but some days it’s hard

When I am reminded of you it feels like the walls are closing in and it gets harder to breathe

I am afraid to see you face to face again for warm tears may run down my face and my hands may shake

Some days I wake up and wish you had finished carving me up with the knife you called love, twisting in my chest where my heart is

Leaving me to bleed out – but you patched me up just enough that I would be a carcass of the person who once held potential

I killed the version of myself that you loved, fearing you would come back for her

You would not recognize me now and I’d rather keep it that way

Your abuse painted me into the sky hoping I would disappear in time to not release your secrets into the night

Telling me I was a masterpiece waiting to be finished, just not by you

Walking away was the best decision I could have made for myself

His Smell

I cannot wash the smell of him off my hands and I do not mind

I saw you for the first time yesterday since I became entwined with him

You have no idea how exhilarating it is to be free from you

Not appreciating the sunshine I folded into your pocket on your darkest days to remind you better are to come

I tried to give you more than I had, heart overflowing with forgiveness because I have loved those sicker than you and they hurt me more than your hands knew how to

When I let you into the darkest corners of me, you told me to close them back off because they were “too depressing”

I gave and gave and gave, you just kept taking and taking and taking without ever giving

He is filling the cracks you were too lazy to glance at

My heart flutters against my chest, his light filling it to the brim

Cuddling up on the couch, he needs me more than you ever needed me

By his side I am calm, forgetting the storms further out at sea I weathered to get here

When I saw you I searched your eyes for whatever may be left for me in you

And I could not decipher the heartbreak

His fingerprints are still on my skin claiming his territory

My hands still smell like him

And I do not mind

Daily Prompt: Enamored

The 20 winters spend in New England means snow crunching under boots acts as a lullaby the nights I can’t sleep because your warmth isn’t filling the space next to me

Hoping your journey home wakes me enough to feel the freshly fed fire in the living room while I make you a cup of tea to warm your fingers and face enough to smile

But the spring showers erode layers built to hide the ruins left beneath

As if a massacre never happened here

My blood on his hands only appears on the bad days when I cannot shake his memory

But the rain also washes me anew

Promising me that ugly sometimes has to preface something beautiful

And goddamn you are beautiful

The summer sun illuminated the eyelashes on your cheek on lazy Sunday mornings through the curtains

Laying so peaceful in dreams

Leaves crunching under our feet as we giggle in the autumn breeze

Warming up in your arms on the couch, preparing ourselves for the colder months approaching once again

Only to find your side of the bed to be empty of a body

But full of yearning for you to have not given up

via Daily Prompt: Enamored

Leaving

In a sea of people I hope your eyes find me happy

For I feel your presence everywhere I go

I so badly want you to be happy with your decision to leave

Yet I hope part of your heart is still broken – the part of it where I once lived

I shed so many tears for you for me to not want you to hurt

Loving you felt like drowning but I would continue just for you to keep loving me

I was so consumed by the fire I felt for you, blinded – I couldn’t see that it wouldn’t work in the end

The way you looked when you left is a painful memory plastered to my memory

I wish I could forget but I couldn’t help thinking about how beautiful you looked in the moments before

Oceans of green stealing glances, blond hair messed about by the wind through the car windows

If you regret loving me, don’t forget who you were then

Don’t forget what drew you into my arms

 

Poisoning

The trauma he left beats inside me as a second heart

Damaging me like the unfortunate book in your basement flood

I can’t quite piece together his face anymore

But I still have each love letter handwritten, sealed with his name

Chained around my neck in a heart shaped locket

A reminder that there was once love here

Even if tainted

I have no idea where he is anymore

I don’t care to find out

 

Changing Seasons

The person I was 3 years ago would not recognize the person I am today

Even if standing face to face

Which is to say neither will he

He will never come back to me now

Which is fine

Since he was the one who broke me

Forget, Past Tense

Lay me out while I bleed for you

Until everything is but a blissful pink

And I know you will not forget me then

Just like when I whispered my elegy in your ear

Each tether keeping me anchored on this earth snapping

The weight you crushing my chest

I did not want your blood on my hands but that only meant further drowning in the abyss of being forgotten

If I left you would have been dead but if I stayed it would have been my name on that marker

My name left your tongue the first time you kissed her

You forgot about me the moment her fingerprints replaced mine on your skin

I smirk every time I check to see you’re still here

Remembering my tears quelling droughts the first month after

I felt like an abandoned house

You stole everything and all that was left of me was the shell of a woman who you once promised to love until the stars faded to darkness

But you should see me now

Rebuilt on my own, everyone wants to know what was here before but all I have are the photographs of you smiling and my eyes begging for an escape route

Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve

Aftermath

You quoted George Orwell saying “We will meet in a place where there is no darkness”

To which my response was “baby there will always be darkness”

 

For months I beat myself up for not leaving earlier when the first warning signs appeared

Lamenting that I was the only one hurting

You said we would have a future, just skirting around “love” to be someone who once was

I daydreamed of walking down the aisle to promise forever

The white dress leaving our friends and family gawking

Daydreaming about the way the sun shone in our kids hair and the reflection of the ocean in their eyes

I wanted it so badly to last beyond its expiration date

 

These days I tie our memories to balloons to watch them float to anywhere but here

They will see how I gave you so much in so little time

I am still trying to forget the small details

The kids you wanted, the names you already picked, the freckles written on your body you preferred over others

I wonder if she tastes sweeter than I did

Or if the moon told her all the secrets that I gave her nights you soundly snored in my arms

Allergen

The spring allergies developed 6 months after leaving the man who promised me forever

Coincidentally, his birthday is in the dead of spring

My body tries to rid itself of percieved toxins

Or the remnants of his touch months after dusting his fingerprints away

His poison words decorated with flowers twisting into “but I love you”

Lowering my casket a little lower with every argument crucifying me

Having me paint you in the likeness of a god

So that when you left no one would listen to the girl who cried wolf

The only compliment I have left for him is that he is a wonderful actor

His fake tears in the spotlight so no one would see the ghost he left behind

The shell of me pried open with his delicate fingers working in time with the poison oozing from his lips

Dotted with poems illuminating his love for me

Because I was the only one his heart was tangled up in

I guess you were tangled up in me, you left behind some thorns

Each time I see you my heart bleeds a little more

Cheeks stung by tears that flow as rivers

Y’know I just blame the pollen now