Changing Seasons

The person I was 3 years ago would not recognize the person I am today

Even if standing face to face

Which is to say neither will he

He will never come back to me now

Which is fine

Since he was the one who broke me

A Time Capsule

For every year of mental illness I have endured

 

2009

Each scrap of food left on my plate

Turning into nearly entire meals

I am sure they have decomposed by now

2010

The bones starting to poke through

Her aggressive hands

The toxic words forced down my throat telling me I am nothing more than her friendship dictated

2011

The first drops of blood staining my bathtub

Dozens of razors, knives, and scissors representing an addiction and all the stark white scars they left behind

Frozen veins from each time she buried my heart further into the ground

Dozens of bruises carefully crafted by her hands

Every skipped meal my body would wish it had years later

2012

The hospital bracelet

Mapped out plans of my funeral, thought out in black ink in what I thought would be the last remnants of my life

Weeks of therapist visits and psychiatrist appointments

All the anxiety attacks induced by the slightest mistake

Every pill I tried with failure

2013

Each hallucination from bugs under my skin to phantom voices and sights

Fears of human touch and living

Hundreds of scars making a home of my skin

All the pills ingested to keep my head close to above water

A year’s worth of cigarettes

2014

Lost love and gained love

His gentle words turning violent yet tinged with roses

Each positive coping skill trying to overthrow the negative trying to still kill me

Intrusive thoughts whispering sweet nothings about how I won’t amount to anything

A year’s worth of cigarettes and additional scars

More pills

2015

The first joint I smoked

Scars and cigarettes engraved on my body

A love so volatile I thought I would drown in his poison eventually dying out

Learning to be alone and to be ok with it

Thoughts of death and self hatred

Trying to love myself the way I should be

A high school diploma

2016

Thoughts of death intermittent but acceptance of the day

Pills, scars, cigarettes

Another love blossoming and wilting

Anxiety attacks over nothing in particular

2017

Wishes of happiness but acceptance that happiness is a passing emotion rather than a permanent state of mind

Another year of pills, scars, and cigarettes

His words still haunting my dreams, waking up sweating, checking for his blood on my hands knowing he’s still alive somewhere

Flinching at hands on my face and arms

A constant state of being on my toes ready for fight or flight

Forget, Past Tense

Lay me out while I bleed for you

Until everything is but a blissful pink

And I know you will not forget me then

Just like when I whispered my elegy in your ear

Each tether keeping me anchored on this earth snapping

The weight you crushing my chest

I did not want your blood on my hands but that only meant further drowning in the abyss of being forgotten

If I left you would have been dead but if I stayed it would have been my name on that marker

My name left your tongue the first time you kissed her

You forgot about me the moment her fingerprints replaced mine on your skin

I smirk every time I check to see you’re still here

Remembering my tears quelling droughts the first month after

I felt like an abandoned house

You stole everything and all that was left of me was the shell of a woman who you once promised to love until the stars faded to darkness

But you should see me now

Rebuilt on my own, everyone wants to know what was here before but all I have are the photographs of you smiling and my eyes begging for an escape route

Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve

Allergen

The spring allergies developed 6 months after leaving the man who promised me forever

Coincidentally, his birthday is in the dead of spring

My body tries to rid itself of percieved toxins

Or the remnants of his touch months after dusting his fingerprints away

His poison words decorated with flowers twisting into “but I love you”

Lowering my casket a little lower with every argument crucifying me

Having me paint you in the likeness of a god

So that when you left no one would listen to the girl who cried wolf

The only compliment I have left for him is that he is a wonderful actor

His fake tears in the spotlight so no one would see the ghost he left behind

The shell of me pried open with his delicate fingers working in time with the poison oozing from his lips

Dotted with poems illuminating his love for me

Because I was the only one his heart was tangled up in

I guess you were tangled up in me, you left behind some thorns

Each time I see you my heart bleeds a little more

Cheeks stung by tears that flow as rivers

Y’know I just blame the pollen now

Hands

My hands don’t keep quiet

The twitching started after the years I do not talk about

Always waiting to run away

Asking for forgiveness each time I tiptoe around the secrets I keep in a chest by my bed

The obituary my betrayed hands wrote my then dying body lying at the bottom

Waiting to resurface at the perfect moment to remind me where I came from

There is no easy way to cry in public

My legs often forget that the time to keep running has long passed

Itching to move every time I sit down long enough to tear my chest open wide enough to let me bleed for the world to see what they did to me

Blame has nowhere to settle down but on the scars left where no one knows to look but me, faded to white but still visible enough to know the graveyard remains

Tears no longer flow rivers from my eyes

Many days I feel evicted from my own body

I trusted them

The acid of their names drops my heart to my knees

My heartbeat keeps my leg bouncing – my heart had no road map back up to my chest

Maybe my hands were never meant to sit still

Only created for them to create in the aftermath of a devastating hurricane

Because only then did I pick up a pen and begin scratching my life story in poems

 

A passport of every person  who visited my heart:

M.A.

Everyone could see my world shatter when you kissed her two days after we broke up

You know, the same girl who I couldn’t tell where her fist ended and my dwindling frame began

M.P.

Thank you for making your arms home so I wouldn’t feel so alone

You left without a trace and I still haven’t forgiven you

M.G.

I dug my own grave while you watched

You strung your love for me into sweet intoxicating words and they still haunt me now that you’re 3 years clean

A.M.

I nearly slipped from this place and you would have been the one to make sure my grave had fresh flowers

I wish I wasn’t a cyclone disguised as someone you loved

You still haven’t forgiven me

A.W.

They told me you were a phase I would grow out of

I couldn’t bear names thrown like stones for the person I decided to give my heart to

J.S.

I would choose you over and over

J.B.

 

I wish love came with a gift receipt so you could return all the time I spent loving you

Looks and talent aren’t everything when you abuse someone until they no longer recognize the face staring back at them in the mirror

You were lying when you said it would only happen once

N.B.

Sometimes I still feel the warmth of your body asleep next to mine

With the rain drizzling in the early hours of morning, your arms pulling me in, lulling me back to sleep

We didn’t have enough time

R.C.

Our giggles and goofiness compliment each other

Please make a home of me as long as you need

 

“Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.” – Nikita Gill

via Daily Prompt: Passport

Ghosttown

You eroded my bones to dust

You left me with nothing

The air flowing through my lungs wasn’t even mine

You said it would always be me

Wanted to wake up to me dozing on your shoulder with the soft sunlight making its way across our room

Dreaming of the shitty apartment we would own because we probably wouldn’t be able to afford more

Forever was always on the tip of your tongue

Saying you would love me forever

I knew forever would poison me slowly if it were with you

People saw me flinch every time you touched me

It was no secret the words you breathed down my neck weren’t as pretty as the facade you put fourth

Our old haunts remind me of the ghosts living under my bed

Your lips curling around suicide forcing me to stay

I didn’t want the illusion of your blood on my hands when my blood was drenching your hands

It’s not my fault anymore

It was never my fault

I hope she loves you as much as I did

I would have died for you and everyone saw me

Everyone saw me dying for you

Each day I choose to get out of bed you still control me and I regret even wrapping my hand in yours on our first date

I hope the image of your rings promising to be on my finger haunt you

Wishing you hadn’t left me a murder scene for the next to clean