I looked for you letters in the dirt

Burning them seemed less likely than burying your love for me in an unmarked grave

I gave up and watched clouds dance across the sky trying to decipher their meaning

Maybe they held the secrets of you leaving without a trace

Nights I drank you in only for you to leave

Scent lingering in my sheets

When I lie awake I imagine a boat floating me back home into your arms

Words of love whispered into my neck

Maybe your words never really meant to last only to keep me tangled in you

I still search for their ghosts

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

Sexuality

There is a field by my house filled with flowers in the spring

Often when passing I wonder what those flowers would look like braided into her hair

Wildflowers, lilacs, and daisies nestled into her brown curls

And I wonder why I am so afraid

I know who I am but I weary to admit it for you may see me as a sinner

Someone who you want to discard from society

My people still have bloody wounds being filled with salt

The flowers blooming for us are being plucked and put into a vase, strangled into silence

Please do not let us die

We have fought for so long to get this far but we still have so much more work to do

But I am afraid we have taken 5 steps back

And I am so sorry I even exist to make people uncomfortable

Like it’s my fault and not the fault of the figures in power spewing hatred, creating an atmosphere breeding more and more hatred for people who dare to be different

I am so afraid to step out into the light that I keep myself in darkness in case this all takes a turn for the worse

Her eyes are the brightest part of my world but even she is afraid

I just want to be able to hold her hand in public without the fear of who may be watching

Give us the space to exist, please do not try to kill us again

For now I just imagine the flowers in her hair and hope we can live in our own truths one day

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

Fragments of Feelings

“Even if you called 6 months later, at 3am i’d still answer.” – Unknown

Looking at you ignited a fire in my heart that made its way down to my stomach

Your leaving in silence plucked all the flowers from my heart

All the tears were used in extinguishing that flame that wouldn’t go out until months after you leaving

“You’re trying to leave yourself behind, but you can’t. The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you’ll have yourself with you.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I remember in fragments

Trauma compromised my memory so I would not have to watch over and over feeling the sting of their knuckles on my skin

Photographs capture moments my brain didn’t

Years were flushed away and I struggle to keep moving forward

If they could feel every time I crack back open in the breaking of their heart but ain’t it debatable if any of them have one

Trauma is not the end of the line but I string the memories on a laundry line one by one, running over them again and again so I know I won’t begin erasing them again

Most still leave as soon as they come but I keep those ones safe in a locked box under my bed

“Life went on without you. Of course, it did. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, they tell me, not the end.” – Lang Leav

 

Surviving means ripping yourself to pieces before someone else has the chance to

I know he won’t stay

I breathe in the smell of his skin so I won’t forget but I know when my heart breaks for him I will erase it from my memory thinking it will protect me

The ghosts of freckles down his back are impossible to count but I still try

His hands will try to remember my skin with another woman

He won’t be able to remember the way I look when I first wake up or how my smile forms but goddamn he will try

He will not win that battle

“Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.” – Nikita Gill

I am happy nor sad

I merely exist to feel the wind on my face and the rain stick to my skin

Each rolling clap of thunder and lightning flash bring you closer to me

Emotions come and go and I cannot force them to make a home out of me

I am waiting here for you to come home to my arms

Rain

Each year I impatiently await the rainy season to return

Each thunderstorm I watch through my window brings me closer to my grandmother who loved watching the dancing bolts of light being chased by monstrous rumbles

She passed in the spring, right at the beginning of our rainy season

The warm rain is a religious experience meant for bare feet on pavement, in the mud, wherever you can dance around giggling with someone you hold close to you

You can feel it approaching in the air

Watching the clouds swell and darken

I’m from the boondocks, we spend a lot of time outside listening to our parents yelling warnings about the mosquitoes and Lyme disease from those damn ticks

They would only worry once they could tell the lightning was a mile away and we would be dragged inside with our hair wet, heavy, and sticking to our faces from the humidity

Our old trick was counting between the roar of thunder and the flash of lightning to tell when it was time

No matter how far from home I go, I will always remember the feeling of mud squishing between my toes

Hunting for frogs in the marshes knowing after the storm was the best time

Listening to their chorus after a storm as they taunted us while we lay in bed

Rainy season is the only season to be excited about here between the trees

Thrifted Love

The first time I got butterflies in years was sitting next to you on a humid late summer’s night giggling at stupid comments

Both too nervous to actually making the first move

For the first time in a long time I’m treated not as an accessory but as an equal by a man who sees that you have as much to offer the world as he does

And boy does he see galaxies in your eyes

And you hope this time leaving won’t shatter your heart like the last one did

Because working for over a week straight is only pretty in the numbers on your paycheck

A telltale sign of heartbreak is a suppressed appetite ant let me tell you how destructive that is when you’re already working 10 hours a day because you can’t bear thinking about his eyes when he laughed so you will do anything to keep your mind wandering back to him

You hope this won’t be another story you choke out when your future kids ask

You see a side of him he is too reserved to bring out until you’re by his side

Our laughter dances together under the stars in the moonlight

His hands feel like you’ve known them in a different time and place before here and now

We giggle together like children as our smiles answer inside jokes

I know it will hurt if you leave

I know my heart will be ripped out of my chest only to be pieced back together again

But I damn well hope I won’t have to do that again

Ghosttown

You eroded my bones to dust

You left me with nothing

The air flowing through my lungs wasn’t even mine

You said it would always be me

Wanted to wake up to me dozing on your shoulder with the soft sunlight making its way across our room

Dreaming of the shitty apartment we would own because we probably wouldn’t be able to afford more

Forever was always on the tip of your tongue

Saying you would love me forever

I knew forever would poison me slowly if it were with you

People saw me flinch every time you touched me

It was no secret the words you breathed down my neck weren’t as pretty as the facade you put fourth

Our old haunts remind me of the ghosts living under my bed

Your lips curling around suicide forcing me to stay

I didn’t want the illusion of your blood on my hands when my blood was drenching your hands

It’s not my fault anymore

It was never my fault

I hope she loves you as much as I did

I would have died for you and everyone saw me

Everyone saw me dying for you

Each day I choose to get out of bed you still control me and I regret even wrapping my hand in yours on our first date

I hope the image of your rings promising to be on my finger haunt you

Wishing you hadn’t left me a murder scene for the next to clean

Girls and Drugs

By the time I was 11 I knew I wasn’t the same as every other girl who likes boys because I like girls too

I grew up knowing there was never really any room for me

They never asked me who I had a crush on because they were afraid of the name that would leave my mouth

Instead they decided the only way to deal with me was to call me dyke, gay, boy, whatever they could fit their mouth around to teach me to be ashamed of my desires while they flaunted theirs

They taught me I was not the same but something of a monster, something of a second or third class person – I was always on a lower level than them

Suppressing my love meant turning to anything to keep the pain away

I knew I loved her but I couldn’t kiss her because I was told that wasn’t allowed

I spent so many years pining after her wishing I could have

So many years I spent not knowing the difference between wanting to be a girl or wanting to sleep with her

Many days I am still afraid to linger too long with my eyes on a woman for there is a certain violence I do not wish to know anymore

8 years later I still dare not speak about it even after spending years washing this disease out of my skin and being assured this is ok – that it’s not a disease but a superpower

I am still able to talk about my drug use more freely than the fact that I want to kiss girls and I am also a girl