Daily Prompt: Calm

I have read every single self-help book in existence just in case the medication stops working

Delusions aren’t quirky they are obstacles that will follow me to the grave

I only show you the calm exterior because the last person who walked into a moment where there was no more air left for me and the tears came faster than I thought they could decided to fade away

And some nights I can’t fall asleep because I can’t stop remembering the nights he fell asleep in my bed with me in his arms

His hands were so gentle, his warmth brought me closer to him the night thunder woke only me while he remained dreaming of worlds I cannot imagine

Some people like me can live comfortably without being chained to medication but I am not lucky like that

When I tell people they ask if I have tried meditation, yoga, religion, but fail to realize the serotonin in my brain is disappearing without a trace and it’s still a cold case figuring out where it went

There is a shame surrounding the people like me but on days I forget the pills that keep me from jumping from high places, I enter some sort of 11th dimension no one but me has found

I don’t show people the ugly, only the calm exterior of someone who sees the world slowed down some days and the world sped up others

Shame still lives here but only on the worst days where I can’t help but destroy myself


NEW Instagram || Facebook

via Daily Prompt: Calm

Advertisements

Daily Prompt: Enthusiasm

The first person who saw me fall to pieces in his arms was the last to walk away

He watches me for clues each time to catch me when I’m falling to rock bottom again

Drying the tears rocketing down my face for the gold medal in who can fall the fastest

But he still looks at me with delight as if I had placed all the stars in the sky just for him and he would forever be in debt to me for doing so

You watched me collapse my veins because the drugs wouldn’t break my heart like I thought you could

Knowing the only thing you could do was pull me in tighter and love me harder

I still walked away because I didn’t want to be enough for you

I wanted you to realize how much more you deserved not realizing I had given the most important piece of me away to the world to extinguish

Years later you still love me the same after walking out on you like that

I still have an appetite for things that will kill me and his name still tastes bitter on both our tongues

But it will always be you


NEW Instagram ||  Facebook

via Daily Prompt: Enthusiasm

Daily Prompt: Fortune

The fortune left in my inheritance includes the ability to act as though everything is perfect when the world is crumbling in our fingers

With each generation we break until there is nothing left of us but the wind whispering our secrets to the world

We are weaved into epidemics no one wants to talk about until they are personally affected

Pretending families like mine aren’t completely killed off by these silent killers

The world faded to nothing in my father’s hands and all he has to show for it are the ghosts living behind his blue-grey eyes

In my fingers the world melted and I have yet to rebuild it

Nights I spend awake mania keeps me company, her energy driving me to do what I normally would steer clear of

Days I spend in a haze, depression turns my body into a winter wonderland with her arctic freeze occupying my bones

Tears stopped flowing down my cheeks the first months trying to solve this puzzle, scars are the only remnants of what I once was able to manage

Epiphanies come when I’m floating above the clouds but once my feet meet the gravel again I forget those discoveries I thought would be waiting for me

I still have yet to make sense of the fortune gifted between generations of hushed conversations

via Daily Prompt: Fortune

Daily Prompt: Folly

 

I was dying and you continued to stand gun pointed to my head

What a fool I was to think you loved me

No one could scream loud enough to save me

When you left I had to piece what was left of me back together while you could easily never look back

And you haven’t

I would have died for you

When you entered my life I had just forgiven the people causing the storms I had previously weathered at the crack of their knuckles on my bones

My friends watched me transform back into the ghost they thought I had left behind

There was no more light

How can I forgive myself after giving my heart away to someone who stomped on it enough to make me consider vanishing from this world again

There is not enough forgiveness in my bones for what you did

2 years have passed since and I still cannot utter the words ‘I love you’ because you taught me that they couldn’t mean anything while you watched my blood pour out of the would you created

What a fool I was

I picked up my own pieces while you never looked back

Learning to enjoy the warmth of my own loneliness

I taught myself how to laugh again because my smile wouldn’t return for the longest of time

Each night I whisper to myself that it’s going to be ok

via Daily Prompt: Folly

Daily Prompt: Conundrum

My friends are dying and no one wants to fix them

We are rural white kids who are suppose to save ourselves with money and resources we were not given

Suppose to be the example for the rest of the country of what not to be when they grow up

Debates being sparked about communities collectively trying their hand at poisons we have seen the affect of already in the deaths of our brothers and sisters

We are suppose to stand together but how can we when none of us can stand up on the shakiness of rock bottom

Anthony started because there was nothing else for him to do

Jake started because he had grown up watching his parents doing it daily

We lost Brooke to it less than 24 hours out of rehab, moments into her 16th birthday

We all don’t choose the same drug but we still end up dying

People tell us the harsh realities but won’t lend a hand when they see us slipping

How can we have a debate on what to do with the drug epidemeic when we still treat addicts as criminals?

We are sick just as anyone with pnemonia but no one wants to help us

They are watching us die from the sidelines

via Daily Prompt: Conundrum

Daily Prompt: Bespoke

Fragments of things that once were but no longer are but in what they left behind:

1.) My bare hips are only known to a lover’s hand

Mangled by ghostly remnants of a hurting that only stings anymore, but some weeks burns to remind me it is still living here

2.) The person you loved is no longer living in this body

I was my own savior picking up the pieces of me you crushed in the gentle cupping of my face

I am still damaged goods to some but treasure to others who have the patience to handle me gently

I still can’t say your name

3.) It’s been nearly 5 years and you only live in photographs and memories

My name is a testament to your impact on 3 generations while you were still here

4.) I burned all the notes

Goodbye notes would do nothing to console a grieving family if I did walk away from this life

5.) Within the confine of the forest I am home, with the licking of the ocean on my bare feet I am home

I know that where I am from may change drastically and this is how I keep the memory of the peace the trees bring me, the console the freezing salt water still brings me

6.) Moody blue grey eyes, freckled skin, and stubborn passed along in folded notes so we wouldn’t forget where we came from

Diaspora has not been kind to the Irish like us but we are making it now

Accents still hide until we are comforatably together just in case

 

via Daily Prompt: Bespoke

Daily Prompt: Flee

Fleeing my problems runs in my veins

I come from a long line of runners

Five years ago the only way our I saw was letting go of my physical being and they would not let me go

Not long after my cousin found his son trying to leave the same way I was going to

The darkness swallowed us whole, there is no light in a world like that no matter how many times you try to turn it on yourself

My uncle fled to the wilderness of Northern Canada for a year because he could not bear the memories of war unless he faced them himself

At one point my father was more alcohol  than he was human, not sleeping for days on end The only way he could cope with that same war was pouring himself into his work and another drink

Two cousins both fled the real world by injecting until they would wake up dopesick aching for another hit

My grandfather kissed the bottle more than he kissed his wife

My father was the only of the 5 to forgive even if he was the one who trudged through hell longer than the rest for the sake of his own father

Fleeing reality is my greatest hobby and I will be lucky to not end up in a casket

My friends and I dance with the devil every time we reach the clouds but where we are from you are lucky if you make it out of that town without making a hobby of smoking enough pot to solve unemployment

You’re lucky if you make it out without dabbling in the most controversial drug of our time

And with my family history I am lucky it is just that

via Daily Prompt: Flee

Daily Prompt: Mystical

Growing up in the woods you get away with experiencing a type of magic none will understand but those who have seen it

Trees whispered me their secrets as I whispered them mine

Hiding downriver where no one treads

I just want to listen to the symphonies of water licking my feet and meeting the riverbanks for the first time

We ran around barefoot to feel the mud squish between our toes and to feel closer to the earth we come from

Ignoring the mosquitoes knawing at your skin gets easier the more time you spend here

Nightfall had us reaching for the stars once more

Awestruck at the moon I wanted to return to the space I am made of

I am no mystic but meandering through rainshowers midsummer with hair stuck to our cheeks, clothes wet enough to stick to our bodies, giggling to the thunder’s clapping is an out of body experience that makes your heart happy enough to keep going through the hardest of times

To this day I am caught outside barefoot to everyone’s surprise

We know I haven’t quite lost the magic that growing up takes from you

via Daily Prompt: Mystical

Daily Prompt: Abide

I was born into a long line of artists – we create in many different means

You see years of hardship and worry worn into our frames

Our hands bear our love of colors and shapes that make this world

We document it in any means we can convey adequately

Many of us push it to the side because we have seen the lives of our flesh trying to live off what makes the world go round

Doing what we love in the free moments and publishing it to the world to consume in moments

Touching them in ways they could never be touched otherwise

We change lives but can only do so when no one is watching

Secrets held in pencil sketches and paint stained clothing

I paint, my mother photographs, her brother sculpts, my grandmother painted, her brother painted, they came from a long line of jewelers

My cousins set up a gallery in an art museum of their own work earning themselves a lifetime ban yet also earning spots on NYC’s most notable artists under 35

But we all have had to take day jobs to live by the standards of a society we shed light on

Our love is poured out not in what our daily pay defines but how we define everything else

We have to abide by rules set up by people who look down on creators like us

But we still find time for what our hands were designated to do

Being born into this family is being born into a line of the world’s movers and shakers doing it all unconventionally

I am honored to be one of them

via Daily Prompt: Abide

Daily Prompt: Missing

The love of your life doesn’t always walk in to your life, sometimes you walk in to theirs

Many of my friends are engaged to be married as I sit filling myself with fantasies of who my heart will find familiar

Maybe they just got off the wrong stop and instead of fining me they bought a coffee at their favorite chain and decided to read there instead

But maybe they don’t even drink coffee and instead go for a hot tea

Dreaming about lives they haven’t lived yet

But I can’t be missing the best moments of my life wishing for different moments to call the defining moments of who I am

I remember I am the best of me and no one else can take that title

One day I will have someone sitting with me in a nook of our shared apartment reading away our afternoon

We will be laying under messy covers in bed, you’re still asleep with the golden light of sunrise illuminating your hair and I’ll be so in love with you  in that moment and every moment before and after that

Your face isn’t on a missing poster asking to be found and given to me

We may not be there in our journies of finding ourselves to find eachother

But one day we will and there will be stories written about us when the time comes

via Daily Prompt: Missing