Wander

I watched you kill yourself over and over remembering the ghosts living in each crevice of you

Unable to forgive yourself enough to let them go

You watched me unravel, unable to piece together the words that would bring me back to Earth

No matter how far I’ve wandered, I keep drifting back to your arms

You are the  anchor that keeps this boat afloat in unsteady waters

You are home

When I look at you, there aren’t butterflies, I feel the world slowing down with a glass of red wine that is your kiss

We were old enough to love but too young for forever’s promise

I knew we would venture back to one another

Your smile is the only adventure I would continue to take

I wouldn’t mind starting again if you stay in the house my heart built you

Convince me goodbye will only be at the last exhale

Hands

Your hands radiate summer’s heat and mine take it in as if they were a house yours wandered too far from

Your hands caress my face with no room left for another lover

Your hands were never taught that they would mold to a lover’s hip perfectly and they tremble with thoughts of what this body can do

My hands fidget to the rhythm of my heartbeat

They cannot sit still without the white noise taking them over

My hands are only quiet when sketching your bones to my memory

But oh god do they tremble with an earthquakes ferocity at fleeting thoughts of bodies I once knew by heart

Afraid yours may be added to the list

It’s not like I ever stay, just dissipate into something your hands no longer recognize as mine

No hand has beckoned me to stay, only to splinter

Your hands already whispered their plans to leave

Mine are trying not to forget so soon, they are waiting for the moment we untangle

Just say when

If I could kiss you one more time knowing it would be the last

Knowing it wouldn’t change your mind

I still would

Then I would remember the taste of your smile

The last day I knew I would see you beautiful

I photographed your messy hair, bright green eyes into the album of things that once were

Your voice shook and we were already worlds apart

The photo is now fading with the memory of you

Heartbreak changes people, it makes them do things to keep the pain in a box at the back of their mind

The pain of what cannot be changed me in ways you would no longer recognize as who I was

I drove myself to exhaustion by working 10 hour shifts 8 days in a row so I no longer had to think about you

Every time I drove by the place you decided all this was no longer worth it, the sting would rush back, the wound had not yet healed

I still can’t recount the sound of your voice when it wasn’t falling apart

The silence I replied with allowed both our hearts to break

Wishing your gentle touch would venture back one more time


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Petals

He asks me how I keep positivity flowing through my veins in a world that tries to break people like me

In the town I’m from they pluck all your petals if you’re any different from the rest

I would learn to sow seeds in the scars

Building yourself back up while they’re still trying to wear yourself down is a constant battle

They plucked all the petals from my stem but I lived long enough to watch them grow back

I know people who weren’t so lucky, who no longer live in the present tense

The only remnants of them are their ghosts on the tip of our tongues when we speak their name

In dreams, in memories they are still existing

If you asked me 4 years ago I would tell you they succeeded at breaking me

I was merely worn into dust by the words dropping from their mouths in which haunted this body

I tell him there are still bad days woven into the fabric of happiness

You learn that the world isn’t ending

It’s still turning for you

8 Years Old

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

Carving my skin as if it was Thanksgiving dinner

Painting the constellations in your eyes

Desperate to map every mountain, every forest making a home of your body

I wanted you drawn in the beauty I saw you before you left

Before I snapped, letting myself no longer be

At 8 we would swing high enough to see our feet touching the clouds

Hoping to get a taste of heaven for a moment

Five years later I wanted the whirlwind of pain to stop haunting me

Heaven or hell, didn’t matter to me as long as each piece of me agreed to no longer function

My brain no longer consented to being alive

Everyone thought I was a monster for an illness I didn’t put on my Christmas list, though they thought I did

I didn’t ask for my mind to quit on me so soon

I was a job it no longer wanted to work

None of me works like its suppose to anymore

I tried so hard to memorize you before you left but these days I can barely remember where I am

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

Passed

I wanted to love you so badly

And I did

When your fingertips first met mine I knew of the novels we would write of the next 60 years worth of adventures

I was 15, wanted someone to open me up rather than fold me up into the pocket sized person I wasn’t

I was 15 and wanted to see what death actually felt like

You were 16 and didn’t yet have the vocabulary of your pain

Hints of you still hide under my skin

They made a home of my ribcage

You were still  beautiful the last time I saw you

My heart splintered remembering you no longer adventured by my side

One day, where there is no more pain

We will drift back to love one another again

I am my parents

Which is to say I am all the broken people who came before them

My father and I act so alike sometimes you cannot tell the difference

Both too arrogant to admit so we keep it to one is copying the other

I inherited my mother’s face and the simple forgetful that follows her

Thus writing everything down, making arbitrary sound beautiful

The volume control in my lungs came broken just like my father’s and both of us refuse to fix them

Art came from my mother’s inheritance

She photographs

I do anything to stop my hands shaking even fore a little while

Capturing moments I am sure I will forget in the palms of my hand

Transferring them to any medium that will listen

I was given addiction I thought I was too smart to recieve

Neither parent is to blame but one knows firsthand better than the other

My father, his father, his siblings, my cousins all taste something sweet in the  bitter destruction of livers, lungs, and hearts

The distance I put between my mother and I for everything I saw, everything I felt

In hopes it would hurt her a little less

Will sting me after she’s left us

As I look in the mirror to see her reflection staring back at me

Wrong Way

Love is a pain we forget

It tears you apart just to leave the pieces for you to craft back into the closest thing to whole you can manage

Nights my hands won’t stop trembling because I remember all the wrong ways he loved me

Wondering if he’s tearing her apart with the same claws he did me

When he left he didn’t even miss me

I spent months learning the correct definition of love rather than the one he hollowed out my bones with

His hands mold to her waist now

I can’t forget the way he called me baby knowing it would melt me to what he wanted

My heart broke hundreds of times in the silence the world spoke as an apology

I kept all the words you wrote me

Reading them I keep an asterisk at the back of my mind reminding that you corroded me until there was nothing left but a ghost

You taught me to fear love in the way I cracked open under you

There isn’t enough repair finished yet

Fragments

I unravel and rewire myself to become someone your heart will no longer recognize

The brand of you – a love gone by – lingers in the storms I still whether

I left you with nothing

Which you can say is better than leaving with every piece of me unrecognizable

You decided to mold me into something I wasn’t

I fought until my soul grew tired, having no ounce of awake left in me

I had no choice but to fall apart

Now I’m wondering if I still would have splintered and broke if I never felt the warmth of your hands molding this body

Into something my brain no longer recognized as its own

How can you still wake up and kiss her knowing the debris you left me will never rework itself into what it once was

If I ever face love again my heart will scream until I have no other option but to run

I can’t keep running forever but there are pieces of me I will never get back

You forgot to return to sender

The constant fear of having to look you in the eye again follows me around our hometown

Being vulnerable is not something I am capable of since the last time I put my heart in the hands of someone else

You gave it back burned to ashes