Loving an Addict

The night we met he was too high to remember any of our names the next morning

We were in 8th grade and he had spilled Coke on his white t-shirt and somehow I still found him charming

At the time we were both about to hit rock bottom with no way to find a way back up

Some days I worried his heart would stop on him

I’m sure he worried I would end it all while he was sleeping

He is now a few years sober and engaged to a wonderful woman

Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death, but some days I feel like I was the one who got her hands dirty

But I don’t know, maybe she saved him

He tried to visit me when I was hospitalized a year after we met

They wouldn’t let him see me because he wasn’t family

I still have the card he wrote saying he loved me

Some days I wish we stayed but others I realized we would have engulfed each other until there was nothing left but ash

I am just glad he is still alive even if we remain strangers

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Rural School

 

Graduating from a regional public high school and going to a university was a feat in itself

There was never enough money to not think about cutting programs deemed unnecessary

Every day you saw kids whose families struggled to put food on the table but a town or two over the high school students got the newest cars and didn’t work a day in their lives for anything

Many of us spent our summers working and saving shenanigans for the school year

My friends and I broke a window one year and the next all the windows were bolted shut

Our school taught briefly about contraception but nothing about mental illness

They would rather have us smoking cigarettes under the bleachers and in the dugouts and smoking enough weed to put pharmacies out of business

We would smoke cigarettes in the bathrooms and get high in our cars parked in the school parking lot during lunch

I’m sure a few times we almost set the school on fire doing so

But I’m sure schools like mine will soon be getting worse than before

Most of my graduating class of 360 are becoming mechanics, hairdressers, or drug addicts

But a girl in September died hours into her 16th birthday of a heroin overdose

She had just gotten out of rehab

The school district wants to cut over a million dollars from the budget and I can only imagine what will happen to kids like myself who weren’t  lucky enough to graduate earlier

via Daily Prompt: Criticize

Another Starvation Poem

It has been 7 years since I first began betraying my own body

I was never officially sick but my bones poked through my skin

I lost 40 pounds in 2 years but the doctors were only afraid for a moment

Last year my physician told me to see an eating disorder specialist but that same week my therapist said I didn’t meet the criteria anymore

I tango with that old feeling starvation gave me

As if I am actually succeeding at something – as if I am making my mother proud by not weighing as much as the next girl

I do not have the words to define what was yet wasn’t

Back then I wasn’t much more than skin and bone tangled with a sadness that cannot be cured

I just call it the disorder now – I knew it was anorexia but doctors are skeptics

My physician knew I was afraid of food but my therapist knew they wouldn’t give me a second thought at the psychiatric ward because I wasn’t small enough to fit in their box

6 years ago I was 2 pounds away from the help I so desperately needed

I have so many female friends who have suffered been in the grip of food and the fear of but most were never given the treatment

When you see how many of us are sick you begin to wonder when people will realize it’s not an isolated issue, but maybe an issue with what we are taught to look like

Food and I still have a strained relationship, we are reconciling after a bitter divorce

Some days I still wish to return to starvation’s grip

Prompt

The strongest drug is the one that made me stay

With the boy

In this life

My hands shook bright red when I was teetering on the edge of letting go onto the next adventure my soul would embark

Makeup ran down my face but dear god each of those 1am suicide notes speckled with tears, stifling each sob to not wake my sister, were not pretty

But neither was the day I had to decide whether or not staying in that love was really worth it

He gauged my heart out of my chest with his bare hands, enjoying the sound of each rib cracking under him

I’m sure he keeps it in a box under his bed now, knowing I can never love someone the way I loved him

In love you show someone the most vulnerable parts of you but I can not risk that anymore

His name still tastes bitter 520 days after I swallowed my pride and left with only my ghost and I am sure I am more alcohol trying to forget rather than writing trying to remember the way his smile set the butterflies in my rib cage free when I still was willing to die for him

It took me 6 months to finally leave him because the suicide threats made me worry if he actually did I would be left with blood on my hands

He kissed me each day for a year and a few months but a year and a half after our paths diverged he doesn’t care to know if I am still alive

There are nights I shake and scream until my tears lull me into the darkness of dreams we once shared for our future together

I let go of everything I thought I wanted and found what I actually deserved

via Daily Prompt: Tremble

 

1.) If I were to leave this realm you would imagine me causing a ruckus wherever I end up

You would imagine my laughter in a crowd, lungs crackling and all

See my face in a sea of strangers hoping I was actually there in the darkness of your mourning

You would recognize parts of me you didn’t know existed within you

This is how you remember me – wearing mannerisms passed from me to you like a locket

 

2.) Your ghost lingers in my bed

Once you sleep next to someone you cannot bear to sleep alone

Many nights I feel you pulling me closer as I kiss your shoulder in a sleepy haze only to wake realizing I was remembering moments we had but now have lost

I doubt I could recognize your face 7 months after your leaving

I hope we still dance together in your dreams

At least there we will be together

 

3.) The first time you laid your hands on me I thought it would be the only

The last time you laid your hands on me I knew I was dying

I didn’t think I would live to see the year change

You wouldn’t recognize the smile on my face

If only you could see me now

 

4.)  You can’t always tell when this illness begins nor when it ends

Recovery doesn’t mean returning to who we were before but we all wish it did

The girl I was wouldn’t believe I am the same person

When you hit rock bottom you’re lucky enough to have something you can stand back up on

Pain changes you but I am lucky enough to have survived this long

via Daily Prompt: Recognize