Nothing

I threw what was ours away

That’s right, that year and whatever

Was a waste

See I pushed you miles and miles away

Until I had to show  you how far gone I was

I think I broke your heart

You weren’t even the best I ever had

I’m not sure if you were there

To fill the emptiness of the absence of

The best I ever had

Did I ever truly love you?

I guess that is the eternal question

While you’re asking why I left

I’ll be asking why you were ever here

Clothes (Funny How Things Work Like That)

I have a habit of stealing the clothes of

People who I love with every bit of my fragmented soul

I have some shirts from the first girl I ever loved

Before I knew there were orientations

Other than straight or gay

And I was terrified – I didn’t want to be one of those freaks

Who got beat up in the girls locker room

She was the first person I made a home out of – I felt less alone

I was being choked by the firm hands of an unseen force that only I could feel

She told me to be unafraid

For if I died I’d be at peace but if I survived I’d be damn proud

She was the first person I willingly showed my scars to

She’s now living in Missouri

She likes pot a bit too much nowadays

Recently she deleted me off Facebook

I haven’t heard from her since Sophomore year

Funny how things work like that

 

In my possession I have the tattered remains of a sweatshirt from the first boy I poured the tiny amount of happiness I had into

The invisible force that began plaguing me years earlier also grabbed hold of him

I didn’t want him to be like me

He deserved the sunshine of the Sahara while I deserved the torrential downpours of the rainy season in the Himalayas

Self hatred’s burning fury destroyed him

I loved him so ferociously

And I still wasn’t enough

Funny how things work like that

 

I now stand here

Marks lingering reminding me of how heartbreaking fatal sadness is

And faulty lungs reminding me that heartache is not only felt in my head

But it has now wormed its way into my chest

I miss them so damn much

Like an abandoned mill town

I have now become a wasteland

The only proof that I have loved

Are the clothes I wear so much

People think they’re mine

Funny how things work like that

I Am Part of an Epidemic

There is a giant epidemic going on and it involves mental illness. There has, in my opinion, been a large increase in mental illness in adolescents like me. How would I know? Well I am in contact with quite a few. About 1 in 5 self harm. That statistic saddens me because I am that 1 out of 5. There’s a significant amount of depression cases and anxiety cases in teens as well. I know I have had meltdowns because of anxiety. Through this epidemic there has also been the glorification of mental illness, like that post going around about suicidal people being angels that just want to go home. To those people, cut the shit. Self harm isn’t pretty, neither is anxiety or depression. Stop acting like its a fashion statement.

Since I was unable to go outside today to take photos, I am posting some past favorites in celebration of my friend visiting me! We are planning on riding around on the public transit in Boston soon, so I will take plenty of photos for you guys! Tomorrow I will probably post a poem if I don’t get outside! Here are some pictures!

All these pictures were takin either in Boston or the surrounding areas.

Photo Challenge

Today I attended a photo contest awards ceremony. I got a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. I am inspired by works of other people to start taking photos every day. I am hoping to get out every day on my bike and ride around the area around my house for photo opportunities. Doing this I can also get my exercise for the day in. There were many fabulous photographers in the contest that I aspire to be as good as. As you may or may not know I’m thinking of either majoring or minoring in photography. Thus, I also need to build my portfolio. I am not only challenging myself, but I am also challenging other people to go out and take photos every day. I’ll call this the Dusk Photo Challenge so you can hashtag this on Twitter, tag it on Tumblr, make this a photo album on your Flickr, etc if you want to participate. This is open to anyone and doesn’t have an end date. You can do it for as long as you feel necessary. You can message me or whatever you feel to link me to your photos if you want me to see them. I’ll try to post the pictures on my blog once a day as well as a poem once a week. Here are my pictures from today.

I decided to call this the dusk challenge since that is when I’ll most likely do my photographing unless I decide to get up early a few mornings to photograph at dawn. I’ll also be posting these photos on my Flickr.

My Sister is Getting Into Private School While I’m Spilling Coffee on My Desk

So 2 days ago my sister found out she got accepted to one of the most prestigious private high schools in the country, Phillips Exeter. Later on that evening I ended up spilling coffee one desk. Where is this story going to go? Well the title of this post was my Facebook status that night. People commented that we are two different people with two different paths. We deducted that I wouldn’t like private school anyways. If you didn’t know, I attend the regional public school that has many characters including myself. The school as a whole also has character. I mean last year someone put one of the sharks they were dissecting for marine biology into one of the toilets.
I just am wondering how my parents could create two totally different children. I excel in the arts while my sister excels academically. I got a gold key at scholastics while she is a year ahead in math and science. She is a dancer while I run a blog. We are a year and a half or so apart but we are worlds apart personality wise. How did this happen?

On Bullying

First off I would like to tell you my history with bullying. When I was in elementary school I was often picked on for being a bit chubby and not quite fitting in. I cut my hair short and kids liked to call me a boy or tell me I was gross. The first year of middle school was to my memory, bully free. Then 7th grade hit and so was I by a girl I was suppose to call my friend. She emotionally and physically harassed me that entire school year. The next year came and her best friend started hitting me on behalf of her. This time it was to a worse degree and a more frequent event. A more frequent event meaning once or twice a day she would physically harass me. The physical harassment events caused me to become depressed and develop PTSD. I had also developed anorexia, but not caused from bullying. My freshman year people would comment on how thin I was and such. My depression and anxiety built up so much that I was hospitalized because I was threatening suicide. At the hospital I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was a low in my life, but my friends were proud that I got help. Although one person called me a dumbass when I returned to school after I was discharged. If you were wondering I was diagnosed with PTSD during the summer after my hospital visit. Then my sophomore year a guy moved to my school. He has harassed me on two accounts, once when he wouldn’t stop kneeing my butt. I asked him politely to stop but he wouldn’t stop, so I had to backhand him to get him to knock it off. The other occasion he tried to drag me down our friend’s driveway by my backpack. I couldn’t do anything that time. I have been verbally harassed multiple times by multiple people in high school. 

So you’re probably wondering what’s my stance on bullying. Or you could figure I would say it is very negative. It has negatively impacted my life to the point where I have lost years of my life to mental illnesses like depression, PTSD, and self harm. It takes so long to get out of the hole you dig for yourself and other people help dig for you. It has taken me years to start accepting myself because for so long I thought it was all my fault. I thought I was a piece of crap for letting that stuff happen to me. Then I realized that it wasn’t me who was the crappy person. I had to relearn to let myself be happy and that it was a good thing to be happy. Bullying can cause worse than in my case. Many bullying cases see suicide, and that still doesn’t end harassment in some circumstances. Sometimes harassment of the deceased occurs throughout the school after the suicide. What we need is more education on how to be nice to each other. We need to learn the signs of mental illnesses. I was so under educated on mental illness that I didn’t realize my hallucinations were a factor of anxiety. I thought wanting to die was normal until I was sent to the psych ward. Something needs to be done about the bullying epidemic. We need to punish the perpetrators, not the victims. I often see the victims get in trouble rather than the perpetrators, and that’s so wrong.