Leaving

In a sea of people I hope your eyes find me happy

For I feel your presence everywhere I go

I so badly want you to be happy with your decision to leave

Yet I hope part of your heart is still broken – the part of it where I once lived

I shed so many tears for you for me to not want you to hurt

Loving you felt like drowning but I would continue just for you to keep loving me

I was so consumed by the fire I felt for you, blinded – I couldn’t see that it wouldn’t work in the end

The way you looked when you left is a painful memory plastered to my memory

I wish I could forget but I couldn’t help thinking about how beautiful you looked in the moments before

Oceans of green stealing glances, blond hair messed about by the wind through the car windows

If you regret loving me, don’t forget who you were then

Don’t forget what drew you into my arms

 

Love // A Prompt

We spent summer afternoons laughing our lungs out on the playground of your town’s elementary school

Those same nights spent trying not to get heat stroke in your poorly air conditioned room, with as many fans as we could muster

The first time we called ourselves a pair, our hands fit awkwardly together

Hearts thumping hard enough to break through ribs but trying to hide our feelings in front of all the people who so badly wanted this to happen

We danced around “I love you” for far too long to some people but it felt just long enough for us

Winter nights we spent in a snowy wonderland, snuggling up to each other for warmth

We grew into each other and the love we had bloomed

Love knows when two people who are meant for each other

We felt comfort in each other’s presence, not always needing words but just a gentle brush of skin or meeting of eyes across a room

Sharing jokes between facial expressions and gestures

As much as I hate to admit, he was home

The spring I tore myself away is still vivid in my memory

The sights, smells, the way the air felt

I didn’t want to admit how afraid I was that he might be the one

And that was the worst mistake I ever made

We both admit we still love each other

It’s just finding the path back to our love and watering it until it blossoms again

via Daily Prompt: Blossom

Forget, Past Tense

Lay me out while I bleed for you

Until everything is but a blissful pink

And I know you will not forget me then

Just like when I whispered my elegy in your ear

Each tether keeping me anchored on this earth snapping

The weight you crushing my chest

I did not want your blood on my hands but that only meant further drowning in the abyss of being forgotten

If I left you would have been dead but if I stayed it would have been my name on that marker

My name left your tongue the first time you kissed her

You forgot about me the moment her fingerprints replaced mine on your skin

I smirk every time I check to see you’re still here

Remembering my tears quelling droughts the first month after

I felt like an abandoned house

You stole everything and all that was left of me was the shell of a woman who you once promised to love until the stars faded to darkness

But you should see me now

Rebuilt on my own, everyone wants to know what was here before but all I have are the photographs of you smiling and my eyes begging for an escape route

Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve

Aftermath

You quoted George Orwell saying “We will meet in a place where there is no darkness”

To which my response was “baby there will always be darkness”

 

For months I beat myself up for not leaving earlier when the first warning signs appeared

Lamenting that I was the only one hurting

You said we would have a future, just skirting around “love” to be someone who once was

I daydreamed of walking down the aisle to promise forever

The white dress leaving our friends and family gawking

Daydreaming about the way the sun shone in our kids hair and the reflection of the ocean in their eyes

I wanted it so badly to last beyond its expiration date

 

These days I tie our memories to balloons to watch them float to anywhere but here

They will see how I gave you so much in so little time

I am still trying to forget the small details

The kids you wanted, the names you already picked, the freckles written on your body you preferred over others

I wonder if she tastes sweeter than I did

Or if the moon told her all the secrets that I gave her nights you soundly snored in my arms

To the man who cared for me after the man I can only talk about in my poems:

You finished taking all that you left here in boxes filled to the brim

All but one photograph lost in one of my albums

Threads you used to stitch me back together evaporated when I realized it wasn’t you who gave me permission to move on from him

I rebuilt myself in the loneliness before you came but after he left

Somehow I was convinced some of this foundation of my new self was created by your hands

You just made everything more beautiful

The rolling in of thunder, the dripping of rain while you slept soundly next to me

I wanted it to be you

But we both knew it wouldn’t be, yet I still could dream

I still run over the day you left like a scar too stubborn to fade

Is this your permission to let me start forgetting?

,

Forever was moments with you that made my heart flutter out of my chest into the palms of your hands

The blackberries I kissed off your lips

Your hands twisting wildflowers into my hair

Closing your eyes to flutter your eyelashes on my cheeks

No one told me it would hurt walking away

Each gentle moment teaching me that not everyone was here to hurt me

They’re all kept in a locket waiting for you to reclaim what is still yours

You always said your brown eyes weren’t beautiful but mine of grey blue stung when you needed it he most and melted into honey when you needed to feel welcome

But you never made a home out of those eyes of yours and I am still trying to find my way back to them

It wasn’t a permanent goodbye, just a see you later

via Daily Prompt: Later

Sexuality

There is a field by my house filled with flowers in the spring

Often when passing I wonder what those flowers would look like braided into her hair

Wildflowers, lilacs, and daisies nestled into her brown curls

And I wonder why I am so afraid

I know who I am but I weary to admit it for you may see me as a sinner

Someone who you want to discard from society

My people still have bloody wounds being filled with salt

The flowers blooming for us are being plucked and put into a vase, strangled into silence

Please do not let us die

We have fought for so long to get this far but we still have so much more work to do

But I am afraid we have taken 5 steps back

And I am so sorry I even exist to make people uncomfortable

Like it’s my fault and not the fault of the figures in power spewing hatred, creating an atmosphere breeding more and more hatred for people who dare to be different

I am so afraid to step out into the light that I keep myself in darkness in case this all takes a turn for the worse

Her eyes are the brightest part of my world but even she is afraid

I just want to be able to hold her hand in public without the fear of who may be watching

Give us the space to exist, please do not try to kill us again

For now I just imagine the flowers in her hair and hope we can live in our own truths one day

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

Ghosttown

You eroded my bones to dust

You left me with nothing

The air flowing through my lungs wasn’t even mine

You said it would always be me

Wanted to wake up to me dozing on your shoulder with the soft sunlight making its way across our room

Dreaming of the shitty apartment we would own because we probably wouldn’t be able to afford more

Forever was always on the tip of your tongue

Saying you would love me forever

I knew forever would poison me slowly if it were with you

People saw me flinch every time you touched me

It was no secret the words you breathed down my neck weren’t as pretty as the facade you put fourth

Our old haunts remind me of the ghosts living under my bed

Your lips curling around suicide forcing me to stay

I didn’t want the illusion of your blood on my hands when my blood was drenching your hands

It’s not my fault anymore

It was never my fault

I hope she loves you as much as I did

I would have died for you and everyone saw me

Everyone saw me dying for you

Each day I choose to get out of bed you still control me and I regret even wrapping my hand in yours on our first date

I hope the image of your rings promising to be on my finger haunt you

Wishing you hadn’t left me a murder scene for the next to clean

//

They say I’m lucky because I’m still here

But my existence will always be uncomfortable

I always talk about the wrong things but there is nothing easy about the way I hurt

They only want me to talk about the easy parts as if any part of this is easy

I still smell him in a sea of faces I don’t recognize

He wanted to keep me hostage in his arms forced to live with him or not live at all

His plans were to have us married by now but I was always trying to untie myself from the traps he set for me

If you were a better man I would have stayed

You thought you had me in the palm of your hand but I was always ready to run

They say I am lucky because I lived

I don’t feel lucky anymore

I see his face in strangers, I am constantly looking over my shoulders ready to hide at the sight of him

He told me I was the sum of all his love but when I left it took the meaning of me being nothing but a speck of dirt in a desert storm

When I love I feel my lungs collapsing in on themselves while my hands tremble for something steady to hold on to

His love made me hit rock bottom for a second time in 5 years and he twisted it into thinking I was living life to the fullest because he was by my side

He twisted everything to make it look like my fault, never admitting to his own

Clung

After you jump into a pond with your clothes on, they stick to you for hours until they’re a little less than damp but less than dry

You won’t know what’s still pond water and sweat if it’s midsummer

His smile still hides in the corner of bittersweet memories

Each flinch you saw the disappointment in the memories still tethered to my bones but had fled my memories to the darkest corner of my brain

Disappointment in the people and how the pain still clung to me

He watched sunrises with me soundly sleeping in his arms

Moments of beauty and serenity like that surfaced with the tears when we both knew our journey together was coming to a close and all he had to say was those five words to let me go – I don’t love you anymore

Mornings waking up to rain lazily dripping off the roof as I lazily kissed your shoulder still remind me there can be good in a life tinged with bad

He may have forgotten about the ways my eyes lit up when I talked passionate

But our fingerprints still dot each other’s skin for another 6 years until they fully fade away with our bodies forgetting young love like that

 

via Daily Prompt: Cling