Let Him Kill Me

When I tell people he was abusive

They tell me I’m lucky he didn’t kill me

I wish he had

Because his words left bruises

They acted like daggers

Every time I tried to escape his grip I got

“I can’t live without you.”

“I’ll kill myself if you leave. You’re all I have.”

Every time people talk about him around me

I feel as if there’s an elephant in the room

That I have to tiptoe around as if not to shatter their view of him

Because it was never about me

But about him and his reputation

I can’t breathe because he placed stones on my chest in an attempt to muffle my screams to get out

People tell me I’m lucky he didn’t kill me

I wish he did

The pain of people telling me how much they love him and how amazing he is

Feels like I’m already halfway there

Words Chose Me

I didn’t choose to love words

Language clawed her way into my chest desperate to make a home out of me

I see words in the way waves lick sandy beaches

In the way waves get angry and fight to change the mountains

Words sing through my bones as I look up at the moon through clouds or against an array of stars

But your words haunt me like a city pigeons follows someone with food

I never want to be in love again

I fear the words you pieced together meant for only me

Will flash before my eyes while I’m kissing a new lover

As you’re now whispering the same sweet nothings to another girl

I wanted to rip every rib out of my chest

I wanted to mail my heart to you with a note reading:

“All the words I wanted to say enclosed. All the words I have left.”

Since you threw me away I learned to use a pen as a knife that slowly kills

I learned to pour my entire being into poems I know you won’t bother reading

Because I am words beautifully strung together like Christmas lights

And you’re nothing to me anymore

Category 5

You’ll truly know when someone was good for you 6 months after you stop speaking

For example, he gets mad at what I post on social media

Yet he follows me on nothing anymore – we aren’t even Facebook friends -thus he must do some hardcore stalking

He cut me off many moons ago

He also has a new girlfriend

Is she ok with this?

 

You tell your friends I’m the one who did you wrong

But I handed you the gun the day I first kissed you

I dug my own grave

Now I lay in the coffin with a bullet to the heart

You keep the gun in your dresser now

I guess you won the battle

But you won’t win the war

 

I’m still a work in process

I’m a town after a category 5 hurricane

Don’t tell me I never did anything for you

When I gave you everything I had

My heart is still black and blue

Yet I’m back on my feet

Just let me live

It’s my turn to let go

Shades of Depression

Depression for some people is cobwebs growing where their emotions were regulated

Feeling emptier than a gas tank with half a drop of fuel left

Depression for some people is laughing and joking all day

To go home and have barely enough energy to play with their fingers

Depression for some people is a sunset

They feel like their life is on its last leg and they’re beautifully fading

Wait until they see what it looks like from the outside – ratty hair, sunken eyes, a distance that is silent but deadly

Depression manifests differently from person to person

You can’t compare one depressive episode to another

No one’s suffering is less than another

It’s all the same lightless tunnel

Everyone with depression can agree the lack of beauty that comes with it

 

I want my years of suffering back

I lost so much blood

I still feel so broken

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New Year’s Passing

The past 365 days have been full of ups and downs – but mostly ups

I know how cliché that sounds

There were plenty of moments that had me in hysterics of laughter

Or left with a fuzzy feeling in my chest

An unhappy ending nudged its way into July

As I plied myself away from someone I was once planning to spend my life with

But he has found love again and I’m happy for him

I learned to love myself again – it came with work and patience

You learn to laugh at yourself

I also figured out the secrets to being whole without a significant other

I learned to not hang onto anger – in order to grow and move on you have to learn to forgive

An old flame meandered back to me

Sometimes two people who are meant for each other meet at the wrong time

They’ll wander back because there is a feeling in their bones telling them it’s time now

Every molecule they’re made of is acting on a magnetic force dragging them back together

 

I closed many doors and opened new ones

I figured out who was good for me and who didn’t make the cut

I grew leaps and bounds in my workplace

I gained confidence I didn’t know I had

My laughter and listening ears made people feel comfortable again

We’ve all made it through a year that threw challenges at us we didn’t think we could conquer

Congratulations! You can make it through another

I promise

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