Daily Prompt: Present

Trauma survivors are noted to experience derealization

Meaning life is lived like a dream you can’t quite wake up from

No matter how hard I try – pills, the blood, trying any drug that will make me feel closer to earth

I could never wake up when I really needed to

Wishing it was all a dream when it wasn’t

What happened to me remains as a limestone memorial reaching the sky

Memory picking away at it with a knife making no headway – I never wanted to remember

I wanted it to be a dream but instead what was suppose to be the best years of my life I was convinced it was all a dream

Stuck in a loop rewinding the previous day over and over and over

Because did I really live it if she wasn’t actively hurting me? Giving me what I deserved?

 

One day years later, I woke up in another nightmare

Panicked because it couldn’t be happening again with a boy’s sickly sweet smile drawing me to his addictive mahogany eyes

Abuse can’t happen twice, can it?

I’m stuck in replay again because every day passes without him hurting me

But that’s all I’m convinced I’m worth

Someone bring me back to the present

via Daily Prompt: Present

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A Type

I guess you can say I have a type these days

His eyes are the colors of the ocean in the Caribbean, arms just as warm

Since you I have never dated a brown-eyed boy

My mind screams danger every time I find myself enamored by one

I hope your lips taste of the warning I left for every girl since

His heart is home when I’m a ship lost at sea

His words aren’t daggers getting under my skin long enough to leave a wound never to heal

You were an addictive poison my mind tried to get rid of but my body couldn’t stand withdrawls

For a year after you left I didn’t realize I was still alive

I have saved every letter but I no longer remember the love you handed me wrapped up in a package convenient for you

The locket matching yours lays unworn on my desk with a photograph in which you’ll always be young and sweet

I wish all the time wasted on you could given back to me, I wish all the pain was transferred to your memory so maybe you’d feel guilty

Before loving someone now, I have to let them know what you did to me and more often than not they run the opposite way

You branded your name on my skin so no one would love me the way you did

I hope no one does

Love of 15 Year Olds

5 years later I no longer recognize the soul living in your body

Just a faint reminder we were once so closely bound by the pain we shared

You mended yourself with the grace of God you so thoroughly believe in

Preaching His greatness, He extracted the drugs from your veins, making them forget their insatiable hunger for all that is bad

I used the art whispered down through generations instead of folktales

The ache still runs through me duller now than it was then

I don’t know if you even remember yours

Our bodies still remember but my soul no longer recognizes yours

We have both healed into better versions of ourselves

Maybe that means forgetting we were once in love – but an artist’s hands never forget

But my heart can

Daily Prompt: Risky

Or more aptly – dear the mascara stained pillowcases

 

You knew we wouldn’t last through the sweet summer air

Hair windswept and eyes as green as the sea, I so badly wanted it to be you at the end of the aisle

Loving me was risky business, you had to look at the shattered pieces of me glued back together, running your finger on the jagged edges

Wounds he left I could never heal on my own and I thought it would be the love you handed me as the bandage

You knew your mother would never approve of this loudmouth firestorm you called your girlfriend

I still partially blame her for your leaving but you were also an adult trying to make decisions best suited for yourself

I have to accept you’re never meandering into my room again to cuddle between dreams and love like it would be the last

I loved you like you would be the last I would let inside the cavern my heart use to reside

Sometimes I wish I could fully forgive you jumping out of my life like I was some plague who would one day kill you

You said we would keep in touch but I know damn well your name will never pop up on my screen again asking to just be in each other’s company

You still think being seen with me is a risk but you no longer feel like it’s one worth taking

via Daily Prompt: Risky

Dear High School Sweetheart

I try not to keep track of you anymore

I try to forget the taste of your poison but some days it’s hard

When I am reminded of you it feels like the walls are closing in and it gets harder to breathe

I am afraid to see you face to face again for warm tears may run down my face and my hands may shake

Some days I wake up and wish you had finished carving me up with the knife you called love, twisting in my chest where my heart is

Leaving me to bleed out – but you patched me up just enough that I would be a carcass of the person who once held potential

I killed the version of myself that you loved, fearing you would come back for her

You would not recognize me now and I’d rather keep it that way

Your abuse painted me into the sky hoping I would disappear in time to not release your secrets into the night

Telling me I was a masterpiece waiting to be finished, just not by you

Walking away was the best decision I could have made for myself

Windows

Poets write a lot about people having windows you can see into souls with

Often about how the morning sun glitters through, covering everything good in gold and leaving the bad in darkness

But we are more stained glass than perfectly clear

Refracting light color coating parts of us that we don’t want people to see

How I felt guilty that my friend died and how 3 years later I wished it was me instead of him – he was much kinder than I

I wish he was still around so I could see the man he would have become

How my heart still aches for her to come back but I know she never will

I still dream about her but she’s hundreds of miles away barely remembering my name

How I regret getting sick like this

Suicide still hangs at the back of my mind as an illuminated exit sign, never leaving but not as prominent anymore

How I learned happiness after the man who’s outside was pretty but inside left me a ruin of who I was before

If only he cared to see me now

Souls are dark twisted things shaped by who we were and who we are

The bad parts of us don’t hide in the corners

College Heartbreak

I wish my mother was wrong when she said you never forget your first college love

Honestly I didn’t think I’d have to forget you

After your leaving, you disapeared from every record

Yet what else would I expect – you never wanted to leave a trail anywhere but my neck when you still loved me

People ask me if you survived past that year and I am as clueless as they – the only difference is our bodies were intertwined enough that fingerprints lingered months after drifting away

I don’t use those sheets anymore, I’m afraid they’ll still smell like you

Which would be the only thing you left me other than memories played on repeat trying to figure out how I could have made you stay

I told myself it was just bad timing

But I kept running over that day like a child running their tongue  over the spot a tooth once was

How I could tell by your distance

And the pain in your sea green eyes you were trying so hard to hide from me

You hesitated as if for a moment you were thinking about keeping our love in a locket around your neck

Now hidden in a drawer somewhere collecting dust

I have no idea if you exist on this earth anymore other than in memories

And sometimes that’s worse than mourning someone in the ground

Intimate

The ghost of your lips made a reappearance on my neck last night

With his hands resting on my hips

I thought I had erased you from the wall of my memory

It’s a force of habit, you know

But you were the first after a man who bleached everything I was under the blanket of love

Leaving me a murder scene in broad daylight

In our short forever you gave what you had to revive me

But he feels like the home I thought you were

Maybe you were the step in the right direction

Sometimes when I look at him quick enough I am tricked into thinking he is you

No one warned me you could remember someone who broke your heart so badly like this

After you left I couldn’t bring myself to eat for weeks and now I am afraid he will leave like that too

Because I still run over the memory of you leaving like a tongue over the hole a tooth once existed in

The silence we shared over lunch and how I see your heart breaking in your eyes but I wanted to take you in as you were so I could remember how you were as a fresh faced 20 year old

Because I knew it would not come back around no matter how many times you said we could still be friends

I was a one time adventure for you

Your scent still lingers in my sheets from every night you spent cuddling and snoring simultaneously

I hope that he is what you fooled me into thinking I had found in you

His Smell

I cannot wash the smell of him off my hands and I do not mind

I saw you for the first time yesterday since I became entwined with him

You have no idea how exhilarating it is to be free from you

Not appreciating the sunshine I folded into your pocket on your darkest days to remind you better are to come

I tried to give you more than I had, heart overflowing with forgiveness because I have loved those sicker than you and they hurt me more than your hands knew how to

When I let you into the darkest corners of me, you told me to close them back off because they were “too depressing”

I gave and gave and gave, you just kept taking and taking and taking without ever giving

He is filling the cracks you were too lazy to glance at

My heart flutters against my chest, his light filling it to the brim

Cuddling up on the couch, he needs me more than you ever needed me

By his side I am calm, forgetting the storms further out at sea I weathered to get here

When I saw you I searched your eyes for whatever may be left for me in you

And I could not decipher the heartbreak

His fingerprints are still on my skin claiming his territory

My hands still smell like him

And I do not mind

Daily Prompt: Enamored

The 20 winters spend in New England means snow crunching under boots acts as a lullaby the nights I can’t sleep because your warmth isn’t filling the space next to me

Hoping your journey home wakes me enough to feel the freshly fed fire in the living room while I make you a cup of tea to warm your fingers and face enough to smile

But the spring showers erode layers built to hide the ruins left beneath

As if a massacre never happened here

My blood on his hands only appears on the bad days when I cannot shake his memory

But the rain also washes me anew

Promising me that ugly sometimes has to preface something beautiful

And goddamn you are beautiful

The summer sun illuminated the eyelashes on your cheek on lazy Sunday mornings through the curtains

Laying so peaceful in dreams

Leaves crunching under our feet as we giggle in the autumn breeze

Warming up in your arms on the couch, preparing ourselves for the colder months approaching once again

Only to find your side of the bed to be empty of a body

But full of yearning for you to have not given up

via Daily Prompt: Enamored