Sunny Stubborn

The dark days are locked in my heart

Some day I may be able to throw away the key forever

But on the good days the sun shines bright

I am grateful I wake up with the hazy morning sun grazing over my face

Almost as sleepy as I am

Grateful for the first sip of coffee to awaken my soul

Good days come crisp as the autumn wind

The bad storms at sea

Yet I refuse to drown

The women in my family are too stubborn for that shit as I am

From today I welcome the bad days as they are part of the coming and going of life

They teach me to value the bright light in the darkness – the good in the bad

I refuse to face defeat with open arms

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You, God, Me

Meeting you in a church basement would be the biggest irony in our short lives

Dancing to the beats of late 2000s music

After straying away, you found God again years later

Green eyes nearly matching the field we lay in – we almost were lovers

Losing ourselves to whatever takes the pain away

I was straying away from Him when I met you

As you were already far away from Him

Chasing a different pain trying to run from another

At least this one we could control

Your blond curls falling into your eyes snagged me, storms brewing behind

Knowing too well the same storms brewing in mine

In drowning, He brought you back to shore while I still drowned

Icy waters consuming my bones

The music we made was the saddest symphony I ever listened to

Your smile was a flicker of light to my darkness

Love professed in a letter hiding in my room still too painful to read

Plagued with an illness no one knew how to cure

Heart pendant hanging as I once imagined myself

One day our music stopped

The Lord called you to him once again

I have still yet to find him a decade later

My memory fails me in that we are still dancing in that dim basement

Young and plagued by something no one else saw but us

Growing

You grew by the coldest ocean and I grew with the forest

Maybe that is why your leaving was the coldest memory etched into me but our love was the warmest

And I never got the time to tell you because you never gave it

Our brilliant outlandishness matched despite growing worlds away

Keeping up with antics born from different roots

I wish your laughter still answered mine but your name is just a whisper anymore

Wondering where your path led you after it veered away from me

Our love was sweet – but the passions kept secret

Years later I wish it was still you but maybe where we were in our lives was too at odds

Maybe too often I dreamed of our lives together

All I have is maybes anymore

But I knew how raw and true what I had for you was when all I can think about is you when I am drunk

One day our paths may meet again when it needs to

But all I have is still a maybe

And I hope you remember me when we were young and naive together

For even if we grow apart, we may grow back together once again

Three

He cut me off, pretending I was nothing to him

He thought he could pretend he never knew me despite what he took

He whispered his secrets into my neck thinking that would make me open up to him

Thinking I would take that one last thing from him

Foolishly I thought he would be the one

Fantasizing about the shitty apartment we would own together because that is all our generation can afford

He was the one reason I would ever get in trouble

After his leaving, I thought nicotine would fill the gaping hole in my soul

He is living his life perfectly fine but I am going to spend lifetime recovering from him

The bruises his words left on my brain

The assault I didn’t know to call by its name until three years later

I wish I could say I wish him peace yet the amount of pain he left on my doorstep wants me to gift him with the devastating consequences of what he did

Three years ago I quit him, now how do I quit the nicotine I replaced him with?

You once told me you had an alcohol problem

A new lover lies in the same bed you once laid with me in

His broad shoulders rival your long legs and dark eyes

I can’t untangle myself from you; your deception knots around me and wring my heart out of any love I could offer someone else

You said you grew up abused but in the same breath unloaded your own slew of manipulations onto me

I learned about abusive relationships in 8th grade health class and I thought I would be smart enough to recognize if it happened to me

Until it was four years later and came to me in the form of a beautifully broken man I thought I could fix

And four years later I am trying to fix myself

But how can I forget those brown eyes looking down at me like I was the only thing you needed in this damned world

For six months after your leaving I tried drinking myself into oblivion

I still haven’t forgotten all those letters you wrote, hidden in my dresser

No amount of alcohol or drugs has drowned them out of my memory

I hope you got the help you needed

I didn’t

Ode to the Woods

Kids giggling between trees, atop rocks, exploring, imagining

Parents indoctrinating the caution you need to take when you get home and check for ticks from birth

Running though swamps barefoot trying to catch that elusive frog

The woods, she knows all of my secrets

Inhaling her sweet smell with the exhale of the first tastes of nicotine

Feeling the rain on my skin while trying to forget the souls that will never meet your excellence

For they are too afraid of the bugs that the young embraced by you learn to ignore

Or they left this earth as quick as I wished to

Solitude left me planning at how you would embrace me when I executed the blueprints of my death

Imagining the moment my heart stopped beating and I would return to the depths of you

Taking the secrets only you knew with me

Returning to the place I emerged as my ancestors before me

 

Stories for You

My eyes may betray me if you ask me if I had my heart broken and I reply with “no of course not”

Then I will have to tell you how once a man who now is merely a ghost warmed the other half of my twin bed

Or, more accurately, our bodies were tangled together in peaceful slumber because we were fine with not having nearly enough room

And I reveal that for a month after he left I would still feel his warmth next to me even though he was eons away

But you will have to know how I befriended loneliness

There will be stories you will never know for my breathing will betray me with the pain of remembering

Though you will have to know that my heart told me about you, oh how it told me to just wait and see how your eyes shine

 

Brown Eyes

Brown eyes can show you the universe hiding in a person

My first love’s light caramel eyes brought me to one where I am no longer damaged

On every planet he showed, someone like me could be loved

The first time I looked into yours, they did not show me the red flags through the rose-colored glasses you slipped on me

Under fluorescent lights, the darkness under the surface showed just the tip of the iceberg

Your hands were careful not to leave bruises but your desires did not match mine

Those eyes guilt me until I did not know what my voice whispering “no” in your ear sounded like

Your eyes never spoke about erasing “no” from my vocabulary

Teaching me not to look into any but yours for you were too afraid for them to reveal your secrets hiding behind closed doors

Eyes darkening to cocoa if I misspoke

Lightening to sweetness when I did what you wished – the color of the coffee I now drink to stay awake

So I no longer dream of your visceral kisses convincing me that your yearnings were also mine

Every lover since you has had eyes the color of the sky touching the sea

After you I could not meet anyone’s eyes until I understood the stories imprinted in mine by you

When I remember the brown eyes of a lover, I try to forget yours

The eyes of my first love showed me thousands of unwritten adventures and histories of the sprawling, creaking houses of New Orleans and the creeks in the bayou

But I left him for you

Now I wish I had written those stories waiting in his eyes filled with warmth

He taught me how to love

He showed me the beauty of brown eyes that you so easily took away

 

 

To the boy with the warmest eyes, I never said thank you for being my anchor at sea in stormy waters, for being the light in the darkness

To My Sister

Who carries the anger for the people who branded me with this trauma

The same anger I once had

 

There are weeks where it is all just a hazy memory yet I’m still stuck looking over my shoulder

My mind has never left fight or flight and this is just a reflex now

Words for what they did never sit quite right

All of them taste sour on my tongue but I am told not to sugar coat the pain

The first stage of grief is denial and I have been grieving who I should have grown to become

At 13 I wanted to be a surgeon, a year later I wanted to have left this earth

Parts of me still believe who I was at 13 is still there in all her naive brilliance but I cannot unearth her

Maybe my 14 year old wish did come true but denial is a strong drug

Actions speak louder than anything and I thought all the kindness and forgiveness I had for them would help them change

The sun and stars were stripped from my sky in return

I could not forge the light at the end of the tunnel of my suffering

My suicide note was whispered in each minute action

I ended up bottling up my anger and throwing it out to sea

It would be no use anywhere else

Maybe you should too

Poisoned Nightmare

Opening my eyes to a clenched jaw and heart I’m sure is screaming loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood

But the soft sunlight warms my partner’s peaceful, slumbering skin

Rib cage rising and falling in rhythm until a snore disrupts it

It was just another nightmare about your hands molding to my jaw

Convincing my tongue that the poison you were breathing in to me was sweet

Arguing the obituary you wrote for yourself sitting in your nightstand was an adequate excuse for slitting my throat too

Because then we will be together forever without your mother standing in between

My love’s leg twitching brings me back to a world I am still barely able to recognize myself in

He is teaching me how to love again

Yet many days I still feel your hands tightening around my throat

Filling my lungs with your sadness

While I was already drowning in my own

The walls are still closing in on me

You eroded me into dust and everyone keeps reminding me of the mountain I was before you – standing loud and proud

It’s been years and my voice is still the quiet whistling of the wind, not the quaking, rumbling earth I was before

His arms wrap around my waist and pulls me in closer as he’s still at peace in his untainted dreams

And I have to remind myself that it has been years

But a few short years of destruction can undo thousands of development

That’s exactly what you did to me

I hope you never make it back to me

Your dose of poison for so long has not bled itself out and I will never be ready for another