Someday

Someday there will be a light filling the cracks the world put in your smile

You will be granted peace after long years of suffering

There will be happiness in the small moments

The sun shining through the window with shades of orange and pink in the early morning sunrise

The person you love the most still asleep on your shoulder

You deserve what brings you warmth and joy after bloodied lips and panic’s shaking in dark corners to escape the curious eyes

Sometimes the worlds shuts you out when you become consumed by yourself and only until you return from rock bottom will it open its doors for you again

Someday may be tomorrow, someday may be years from now

But you will find yourself smiling at the little things

via Daily Prompt: Someday

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Short Letters

Dear mom,

I shattered

You still regret not hearing my cries

Some days the anger crawls back up my throat

I’m not fully repaired yet but I’m still working

Dear dad,

Addiction may swallow me whole

Before it does, thank you for being the shore I swam to

Thank you for pushing me forward even when I desperately wanted to stay where I was

No matter how much I kicked and screamed

Dear my little sister,

Now that you’re old enough to understand

I hope you don’t succumb either

At a young age you saw the light drain from me

But I kept living long enough for the sun shine again

I hope you learned from watching

Dear a love lost,

Let me help you get back up

I’m here to build you up

My love is yours to keep this time around

I could never bear to say my heart was buried with the man who was 6 feet below

I was sick when I left and now you are too

Dear mom,

I know, you’re trying to fix it

I shut you out for so long

Just know there are things you won’t understand about this kind of sick

Tap tap tap my fingers find something to stop the shaking in my hands

Crowded spaces make it hard for me to breathe

Ready for an attack that never comes, heart racing, gazing over my shoulder

Post traumatic stress still lives in this body despite the eviction notices I keep leaving at its doorstep

No one asks about the stories written throughout my body anymore

The wheeze interlaced with a laugh because where I’m from they’d rather have 14 year olds smoking under the bleachers rather than open up the discussion about mental illness and addiction

Turning a blind eye to the plague silently killing off my friends, my generation

Fading scars from a day gone by

The bleeding takes your mind off the yearning to die for but a little while

My parents think I’m alone too much

Worrying about an impending attack all the time is tiring

It’s impossible to tell them I’ve been trying to rid myself of the pain developed by a lack of chemicals in my brain

By inviting new toxins in

No one wants to talk about mental illness and addiction still

It’s been 6 years

One Sided Conversation With my Therapist

After DesireƩ Dallagiacomo

I am so afraid

Bruises bring me back to days I remind myself to forget

When I wished some accident would cease my existence in the present tense

Memories folded up in pockets, crinkled in the crease of the shirt they wore the last time they saw me laughing

I’m still afraid to eat but I weigh more than the wings of a bird now

How do I cope with not being good enough?

Kids younger than me are inventing, discovering, changing the world

All I do is scratch lines on dead trees pretending I’m making a difference

People are afraid of me

But the only thing to fear are the diseases nobody warned them about

Don’t worry – they’re not transmittable, I tried gifting them in a little box to the people who ripped my heart out of my chest

I tried coughing them out of my lungs but that hasn’t worked yet

My fight or flight reflex has gone haywire since the days I was riddled with handed violence handed down from people I thought cared about me

Now I can barely remember who’s air I’m breathing, the planet I’m on, the time I belong to

Her hands weren’t gentle, his words were the poison I wanted years earlier when the only thought I had was about death and how to meet her

How can I cope with addictions I was gifted?

Mania will take any mind altering substance it can get its grimy hands on

Taking me higher or tethering me back to Earth, anything will do

Depression loves anything that brings it back to its feet

I have watched too many people I love destroy themselves like this

 

How do I live in a society that looks down on the mentally ill who rely on medication to keep them alive?

Light

I loved one person until love didn’t make sense anymore

I give pieces of my love to people unconditionally

Whether they need it or not

But oh god never someone like him again

He was a rose – pretty until you touch the thorns

For many I am a shoulder to cry upon, an adventure partner, a laugh so hard it is only recognized as a wheeze

Remembering me as a never ending radiant light in which they can anchor themselves to

I am the lighthouse in which understands the lonely boats tethered to

He saw something to be bulldozed into a better story to fit his agenda

Never again can I touch a soul like his

Old Habits

The darkness that became us was a test we weren’t prepared for

Sending out the distress signal but no one could speak that language

Demonized for picking up habits we knew we shouldn’t

We weren’t taught any other method to light up the world that became dull with us

I wasn’t suppose to make it

The past living beneath my skin is too terrifying to uncover

So many years not knowing happy left addictions no one wants to fix

My smile remembers all the years it spent lost

I was lucky enough to see today

Many of us still can’t see ourselves 5 years down the road but that doesn’t mean we won’t try to stay

Recovery doesn’t always mean a will to live

I still feel as though I am not meant to exist here

Addiction is one hell of a monster I have yet to conquer

Why do I still go back to what I know will hurt me in the end?

Tasting Memories

Memories fade for many reasons

They can’t fade if they were never there

Post traumatic stress disorder affects the brain in a manner in which something goes awry transferring short term memories to long term

 

It’s playing Russian Roulette when I tell myself to remember certain moments

Many times I won’t

I told myself I would remember us laying, innocently mapping his skin with my fingertips

Our laughter dancing in the moonlight teaching him the magic of making out in public

But I’m already forgetting the details

Like his words melting into mine

Post traumatic stress disorder hides memories in a world I cannot find

I tell myself what memories need to be captured

But they end up on a film reel in the attic of memories I cannot dig up

I want to remember the moments that made my heart fuzzy

Yet the ones freezing my veins surprise me instead

Remembering the sting of violence still makes it hard to breathe

I’m not sure if I want to remember any longer

Pretty

Depression is not a beautiful boy holding you in his arms pleading for you to stay here with him

It’s 2am muffling your sobbing

Tears dripping over a goodbye

No one is awake at this hour and you learn how lonely 2am actually is

I thought everyone could see through me

But they were blindsided by the thought that I was ok

Movies lie to make it look prettier than it actually is

You’re not going to find love running through the halls of a psychiatric ward

Those twin beds make you wish you were on the outside

The ward, outside being stuck in your own delusions

Depression is a disease but people still treat it like a choice

I didn’t choose to live in enough pain to see death as the only option

There are chapters of my life I chose not to read

Depression is not pretty enough to be reread like that

Through the medication, therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments

Sometimes you wish you cracked enough to stop living

An Open Letter to Suicide

Dear Suicide,

You almost stole my best friend before I could even call her that

You almost whisked me away before she could call me that

I know I have written about you behind your back for years

But how can you forget when thoughts of you struck so young

I spent my entire adolescence planning how we would meet

We broke up so long ago

Tell me how I fall asleep some nights still thinking of you

My family tortured with watching me carve pictures of you in my skin

Watching me kill myself over and over again in my dreams

Maybe sometimes they wish you took me along

But imaging my best friend stripped away from me by your hand

Puts me in greater pain than living with you camped out in the back of my mind

I beg of you never steal her away

Take me, but oh god not her

She will do so much more than I ever could

All I have is melancholy and a pen

My bones are a river you float yourself back into

You’re just scratches upon a map rather than places and faces I will visit one day

Please just let me live without you whispering promises in my ear

I know I’m just bad timing

Leave with the back door open so something better can wander in

Suicide wasn’t in my vocabulary until I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital at 14 under suicidal ideation

All I could feel was a severe empty nothingness

Spiraling in and out of a reality no one wanted

With addictions no 14 year old should know about outside of health class

If I don’t keep my hands busy I fade away into a world no one exists but myself

I doodle, write, crochet just to keep myself here

Suicide was once a part of me I knew would snap into place one day

It was a date, it was a home I had built myself, it was a reality I was sure of

Now it only exists as a memory that surfaces days that I don’t think I can push through

She still visits me but only in my dreams