Daily Prompt: Present

Trauma survivors are noted to experience derealization

Meaning life is lived like a dream you can’t quite wake up from

No matter how hard I try – pills, the blood, trying any drug that will make me feel closer to earth

I could never wake up when I really needed to

Wishing it was all a dream when it wasn’t

What happened to me remains as a limestone memorial reaching the sky

Memory picking away at it with a knife making no headway – I never wanted to remember

I wanted it to be a dream but instead what was suppose to be the best years of my life I was convinced it was all a dream

Stuck in a loop rewinding the previous day over and over and over

Because did I really live it if she wasn’t actively hurting me? Giving me what I deserved?

 

One day years later, I woke up in another nightmare

Panicked because it couldn’t be happening again with a boy’s sickly sweet smile drawing me to his addictive mahogany eyes

Abuse can’t happen twice, can it?

I’m stuck in replay again because every day passes without him hurting me

But that’s all I’m convinced I’m worth

Someone bring me back to the present

via Daily Prompt: Present

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A Type

I guess you can say I have a type these days

His eyes are the colors of the ocean in the Caribbean, arms just as warm

Since you I have never dated a brown-eyed boy

My mind screams danger every time I find myself enamored by one

I hope your lips taste of the warning I left for every girl since

His heart is home when I’m a ship lost at sea

His words aren’t daggers getting under my skin long enough to leave a wound never to heal

You were an addictive poison my mind tried to get rid of but my body couldn’t stand withdrawls

For a year after you left I didn’t realize I was still alive

I have saved every letter but I no longer remember the love you handed me wrapped up in a package convenient for you

The locket matching yours lays unworn on my desk with a photograph in which you’ll always be young and sweet

I wish all the time wasted on you could given back to me, I wish all the pain was transferred to your memory so maybe you’d feel guilty

Before loving someone now, I have to let them know what you did to me and more often than not they run the opposite way

You branded your name on my skin so no one would love me the way you did

I hope no one does

Love of 15 Year Olds

5 years later I no longer recognize the soul living in your body

Just a faint reminder we were once so closely bound by the pain we shared

You mended yourself with the grace of God you so thoroughly believe in

Preaching His greatness, He extracted the drugs from your veins, making them forget their insatiable hunger for all that is bad

I used the art whispered down through generations instead of folktales

The ache still runs through me duller now than it was then

I don’t know if you even remember yours

Our bodies still remember but my soul no longer recognizes yours

We have both healed into better versions of ourselves

Maybe that means forgetting we were once in love – but an artist’s hands never forget

But my heart can

Daily Prompt: Risky

Or more aptly – dear the mascara stained pillowcases

 

You knew we wouldn’t last through the sweet summer air

Hair windswept and eyes as green as the sea, I so badly wanted it to be you at the end of the aisle

Loving me was risky business, you had to look at the shattered pieces of me glued back together, running your finger on the jagged edges

Wounds he left I could never heal on my own and I thought it would be the love you handed me as the bandage

You knew your mother would never approve of this loudmouth firestorm you called your girlfriend

I still partially blame her for your leaving but you were also an adult trying to make decisions best suited for yourself

I have to accept you’re never meandering into my room again to cuddle between dreams and love like it would be the last

I loved you like you would be the last I would let inside the cavern my heart use to reside

Sometimes I wish I could fully forgive you jumping out of my life like I was some plague who would one day kill you

You said we would keep in touch but I know damn well your name will never pop up on my screen again asking to just be in each other’s company

You still think being seen with me is a risk but you no longer feel like it’s one worth taking

via Daily Prompt: Risky

Tango With Death

Someone asked me “what if you go to hell?”

I had to refrain from saying I had already seen it in the illness that took me away from this realm

Coming back to earth was a feat I still haven’t totally accomplished

I could not tell you the exact moment I felt death’s breath on my neck but 6 years on he still reminds me he hasn’t left

There are years lost in translation, still in the dark because I didn’t know how to turn on the light

You cannot bring the dead back but you can revive those on the brink

And I cannot shake the survivor’s guilt

There are people whose hand betrayed them and stripped them from this world who had more to give than I

The ground still knows the soles of my feet but it has forgotten yours

Hell was seeing you fade in front of me

Hell was replanting my feet on the earth after the voices told me to leave it all behind

Some days I still think of taking up that offer

And some days that is hell

Daily Prompt: Homage

For every before me, whose existence still is between the lines years after their deaths

 

My sister talks about the children I will have that she wants to spoil

Assuming I will be able to have children with my future partner, assuming we want them, assuming they will not bar us because our genitals are the same

And we all know God does not want that and they are only implementing His word via my body as if they don’t wear mixed fabrics or eat shrimp

This morning I did not hear them yell faggot at me because I have learned to block them out with headphones but I did see their eyes raking my body with disgust

As if their love is pure and mine is dirtier than the marshes in the April showers plaguing our state

My friends tried to “turn me back” by telling me their disgust the first time they kissed a girl – assuring me that will be the only time because “I am straight now”

And for the girls with the baggy jeans and flannels hiding behind her messy hair – I see you

I know you are unsure of yourself but I promise I’ve got you

We can do this, even when you think the world is ending

When they strip our rights and try to kill us, I will be your sheild

Our people suffered through Reagan but I promise we will survive this one, even if we have to go back underground

They cannot take your magic from you

via Daily Prompt: Homage

Leaving

In a sea of people I hope your eyes find me happy

For I feel your presence everywhere I go

I so badly want you to be happy with your decision to leave

Yet I hope part of your heart is still broken – the part of it where I once lived

I shed so many tears for you for me to not want you to hurt

Loving you felt like drowning but I would continue just for you to keep loving me

I was so consumed by the fire I felt for you, blinded – I couldn’t see that it wouldn’t work in the end

The way you looked when you left is a painful memory plastered to my memory

I wish I could forget but I couldn’t help thinking about how beautiful you looked in the moments before

Oceans of green stealing glances, blond hair messed about by the wind through the car windows

If you regret loving me, don’t forget who you were then

Don’t forget what drew you into my arms

 

Poisoning

The trauma he left beats inside me as a second heart

Damaging me like the unfortunate book in your basement flood

I can’t quite piece together his face anymore

But I still have each love letter handwritten, sealed with his name

Chained around my neck in a heart shaped locket

A reminder that there was once love here

Even if tainted

I have no idea where he is anymore

I don’t care to find out

 

Changing Seasons

The person I was 3 years ago would not recognize the person I am today

Even if standing face to face

Which is to say neither will he

He will never come back to me now

Which is fine

Since he was the one who broke me

Forget, Past Tense

Lay me out while I bleed for you

Until everything is but a blissful pink

And I know you will not forget me then

Just like when I whispered my elegy in your ear

Each tether keeping me anchored on this earth snapping

The weight you crushing my chest

I did not want your blood on my hands but that only meant further drowning in the abyss of being forgotten

If I left you would have been dead but if I stayed it would have been my name on that marker

My name left your tongue the first time you kissed her

You forgot about me the moment her fingerprints replaced mine on your skin

I smirk every time I check to see you’re still here

Remembering my tears quelling droughts the first month after

I felt like an abandoned house

You stole everything and all that was left of me was the shell of a woman who you once promised to love until the stars faded to darkness

But you should see me now

Rebuilt on my own, everyone wants to know what was here before but all I have are the photographs of you smiling and my eyes begging for an escape route

Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve