Five good things that have happened to me, 5 years and a day after the hospitalization date that kept me from committing suicide
1.) Relearning to laugh
By the time I reached my breaking point, I could not muster so much as a smile
Teaching myself to laugh again at even the smallest of things was a hurdle
Now I laugh loud enough, often enough for people to recognize it as me from opposite ends of halls
Laughing at minor inconveniences was one leap I made, knowing it would soon come easier
Yet I acknowledge that there are hard days I cannot let the tiniest of giggles out
2.) Falling in and out of love many times
Teaching myself that a lover doesn’t define you, but how fully you loved
How fully you loved someone who didn’t deserve you, someone who didn’t love you back
Giving too much of myself to the wrong ones
Giving away pieces of my love to people who needed it the most
Recognizing rock bottom in other people, giving them the shoulder when I knew I would have needed one
3.) Learning I was permitted to take up space
Knowing when people were trying to minimize my shine because they were uncomfortable with it
Using my stubborn voice to never back down
Just because I am a woman doesn’t mean I cannot posses the personality traits assigned masculine
Fiery, stubborn, loud mouth throwing sarcastic daggers that I have learned to embrace
4.) Realizing it’s alright to have emotions if they aren’t used to hurt someone else
Crying when I really need to, allowing myself to be angry when need be
I am not a robot and emotions are never as black and white as they seem
5.) Loving myself again, even if milestones are reached slower than someone else
My relationship with food is always tinged with the way my bones felt jutting out of my skin when I thought I didn’t need it
Days where I can look at food and not see the calories, fat content, sugar, etc. are days I count as good days
Days where I don’t calculate how much exercise I have to do with the extra food I take in are also good days
I have been allowed to accept the personality traits handed down to me, even if they are not seen in the brightest of light
Learning to accept myself at face value is a permission I am eagerly awaiting, but until then it is the baby steps that count the most
ainslianity 