Love Notes

My body –

I am still learning ways not to destroy you

You are the vessel that carries me to the end

When you are gone, so am I

I decorate you to forget I once set fire to you so I could feel the warmth in my bones again

Because it was so cold


J.D.B. –

Love letters signed by you still litter my floor

All tear stained with the memories I try to block out

You were my worst mistake

I hope she tastes sweeter


A.M. –

I am sure I was your worst mistake

I want to plant forgiveness in your heart

But I know it won’t change your mind


J.S. –

When I imagine my wedding, you are standing there at the end of the aisle

Come home soon


My skin –

Your need to be red all the goddamn time gave people lots to pick apart

I tried to hide your imperfections with no avail

Deciding to be proud of you was my greatest achievement

Collisions of people are mapped out on you

Generations of triumph and hardship are written out on you

I am so sorry I ripped you apart for so long


Life –

I regretted being brought into you for years

You made me feel your weight too early

But you handed me laughter when I needed it

I am forever grateful for your gift

Even on the days I want to retreat into the darkness


There are things that I have dreaded having to do everyday

Like going to math class

Or getting out of bed in the morning

But I eventually grew to enjoy them

So I guess when people ask how I started to love myself

I’ll tell them it’s a lot like waking up and getting out of bed

Because as someone who dreaded each and every breath they would have to take throughout the day

It’s an accomplishment to love oneself again

And you have to realize that some days you will be the only one who loves yourself

Which is perfectly okay

Because sometimes those are your good days

New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the beginning of 2014, which means everyone is coming up with their resolutions for the year. There are those typical resolutions like get in shape and there are those not so typical resolutions. Many aren’t totally executed during the year, they’re only kept up with during the first few weeks, or if you’re lucky, first few months of the year. Some people actually do pursue their resolutions all throughout the year. I’m hoping to do the same. My resolutions are to meditate more, work on teaching myself the languages that I began in 2013 [I’m a part of the Add 1 Challenge that goes into April], and to find the ability to love myself. Loving myself will probably be the most difficult part due to my history of self loathing and mental illness. I am also hoping to recover this year, or at least get on the road to recovery. I want to be happy in 2014.