Mental Illness vs. Education

My high school was a cheesy 80s movie

My friends and I smoked cigarettes under the bleachers and in the dugout

Once even in a girls bathroom, nearly setting the school on fire

Three of us broke a window, forcing the school to bolt them shut the next year

I spent half of my high school career in detention, making it a miracle when I didn’t get any my senior year

Many of my high school teachers saw through it all and knew I actually had a brain smart enough to get into college

Many panic attacks in bathrooms, hospital visits, days spent in the guidance office, therapy sessions, psychiatrist appointments, and hallucinations in hallways later, I got to a university I never thought I had the chance of going to

College enjoys trying to break me down

The counseling center cannot take people like myself

Those who require “extended care” are referred to a center a town and a bus ride away, a place I cannot squeeze into my ever busy schedule

Friends have needed police aid to not end it due to inadequate care here for people like us

Getting out of bed is one thing but falling into the pit of despair is another

I cannot count how many times I thought of leaving this world since arrival, having to pull myself out of the darkness enough to know my problems will not be solved by ceasing to exist

I have not seen the world yet, no matter how many lovers leaving make me think that I have

No combination of booze and drugs can fix you but damn does it feel so when you are laying on your floor out of your mind

I thought it would all go away but some days it feels worse than years spent being a fly on the wall

I am lucky enough to still be in the world I built myself

Rural School

 

Graduating from a regional public high school and going to a university was a feat in itself

There was never enough money to not think about cutting programs deemed unnecessary

Every day you saw kids whose families struggled to put food on the table but a town or two over the high school students got the newest cars and didn’t work a day in their lives for anything

Many of us spent our summers working and saving shenanigans for the school year

My friends and I broke a window one year and the next all the windows were bolted shut

Our school taught briefly about contraception but nothing about mental illness

They would rather have us smoking cigarettes under the bleachers and in the dugouts and smoking enough weed to put pharmacies out of business

We would smoke cigarettes in the bathrooms and get high in our cars parked in the school parking lot during lunch

I’m sure a few times we almost set the school on fire doing so

But I’m sure schools like mine will soon be getting worse than before

Most of my graduating class of 360 are becoming mechanics, hairdressers, or drug addicts

But a girl in September died hours into her 16th birthday of a heroin overdose

She had just gotten out of rehab

The school district wants to cut over a million dollars from the budget and I can only imagine what will happen to kids like myself who weren’t ┬álucky enough to graduate earlier

via Daily Prompt: Criticize

13 Year Old Walls

Grief is one hell of a drug

We learned that in 8th grade health

But I had nothing to grieve

My pride was hanging from the ceiling fan in the living room when I left for school this morning

Knowing I was no longer my own but property of her violence

Those years no one knew I existed but in the tales breathed through locker doors

I was one more light fading

Do you know what it’s like knowing you’re dying but not from what?

I am no longer that 13 year old

Wondering when they’re going to teach you about the hell you shouldn’t be feeling, but was gifted in a pretty purple box between her fist colliding with your skin and the whispered worthless it communicated to you

They never will teach you about it

Years later I hope they recite those lessons to the walls of 8th graders like myself

Wishing there is something to stop the burning