The Bottles On My Nightstand // A Prompt

There is a glass I leave open

Full of each positive thought I’ve had in the last few years

Some months it numbers less than others

Lying there open for whomever needs happiness in a moment of despair

Next to it lies a jug filled with each emotion that is not happy or her synonyms

There have been moments where it has overflowed into the glass next to it

I try to cap it in attempts to let no one else but me see inside

A few horror movie scripts could be made of it

This jug’s counterpart is a bottle filled of the years I don’t talk about

You know, the ones I erased from my memory in hope every one did too

But I know they will stay with me past the grave

All the years I didn’t stop hurting, even when I thought there was no hurt left

The memories play here in a movie about my own suffering, still waiting to be finished because I know there will be more years of this despite the little room this bottle has left to fit them in

One more bottle sits, filled with the good times

Capped off so I don’t forget

Moments I couldn’t stop laughing until I cried

Days my face hurt from smiling so much

I know there will also be more of these

Keeping optimistic it will fill before the years of suffering, I keep a larger bottle for the good days ahead

via Daily Prompt: Bottle

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Girls and Drugs

By the time I was 11 I knew I wasn’t the same as every other girl who likes boys because I like girls too

I grew up knowing there was never really any room for me

They never asked me who I had a crush on because they were afraid of the name that would leave my mouth

Instead they decided the only way to deal with me was to call me dyke, gay, boy, whatever they could fit their mouth around to teach me to be ashamed of my desires while they flaunted theirs

They taught me I was not the same but something of a monster, something of a second or third class person – I was always on a lower level than them

Suppressing my love meant turning to anything to keep the pain away

I knew I loved her but I couldn’t kiss her because I was told that wasn’t allowed

I spent so many years pining after her wishing I could have

So many years I spent not knowing the difference between wanting to be a girl or wanting to sleep with her

Many days I am still afraid to linger too long with my eyes on a woman for there is a certain violence I do not wish to know anymore

8 years later I still dare not speak about it even after spending years washing this disease out of my skin and being assured this is ok – that it’s not a disease but a superpower

I am still able to talk about my drug use more freely than the fact that I want to kiss girls and I am also a girl

Daily Prompt: Missing

The love of your life doesn’t always walk in to your life, sometimes you walk in to theirs

Many of my friends are engaged to be married as I sit filling myself with fantasies of who my heart will find familiar

Maybe they just got off the wrong stop and instead of fining me they bought a coffee at their favorite chain and decided to read there instead

But maybe they don’t even drink coffee and instead go for a hot tea

Dreaming about lives they haven’t lived yet

But I can’t be missing the best moments of my life wishing for different moments to call the defining moments of who I am

I remember I am the best of me and no one else can take that title

One day I will have someone sitting with me in a nook of our shared apartment reading away our afternoon

We will be laying under messy covers in bed, you’re still asleep with the golden light of sunrise illuminating your hair and I’ll be so in love with you  in that moment and every moment before and after that

Your face isn’t on a missing poster asking to be found and given to me

We may not be there in our journies of finding ourselves to find eachother

But one day we will and there will be stories written about us when the time comes

via Daily Prompt: Missing

In Which the Sea is My Best Friend

Her salt stinging your face will make you lose track of how many tears you have shed

You’ll forget what’s yours or her comforting, foaming waves

She’s moody and there is never a place she isn’t storming

But somehow she still calms me

Assuring everything will fall into place

Every grain of sand was once part of something bigger, ending their journey here broken into smaller fragments

Almost as if they were once dreamers who dreamt too big

Their dreams shrunk with harsh realities, laid to rest here under my feet

Almost as haunting as the graveyards they emulate

Reminding you about the time you nearly ended beneath the earth

Whispering to you about how far you’ve come, she does, about how proud she is with the gentle cold tickling you

And when you cease to be

She will take you back in her arms

Because there, you are home

Happy

Recently people have been telling me I seem much happier

Along with this I get people asking for advice on how to be happy

Because I haven’t always been “happy”

I have a lot to say to them

Many days you won’t want to  get out of bed

Yet something in the back of your head pushes you out from under the covers

A lot of days you end up feeling neutral

Thankful you’re not as lethargic as you use to be

You’re not happy every moment of the day

There are moments you feel rain pouring behind your eyes

Most of the time I feel content

Friends of mine watch my eyes wander and observe the world around me

Because I missed everything for so long I want to soak in every little detail

Like the way clouds absorb colors of a sunset

Content is the only way to describe this neutral feeling – a feeling of neither the lowest of lows or highest of highs

As if I’m floating through life

Taking the space I was promised the day I was born

Updates

So I realize I haven’t posted in a while. I have been busy with filling out college applications and school work. This summer I was also very busy with my job, traveling, and getting my wisdom teeth removed. Fun fact(s) I only had three wisdom teeth and one had grown in sideways. The park closed in November, so since then I have been doing copius amounts of school work and such. I also traveled to Japan with my mom in August. I will talk about that a little later in this post.

So with applying to colleges, the three I applied to were an art school, a small liberal arts college, and the state university. I got accepted to all three surprisingly. I would study photography if I went to art school, communications if I went to the liberal arts school, and linguistics if I went to the state university. I’m not sure which I will attend yet, any advice will be kindly taken.

I also visited Japan with my mom! We were in Kyoto for a week and we were in Tokyo for three days just about. It was insanely cool! My dad lived in Japan while he was in the service, so he told us a little about what it was like when he was living there. Kyoto was beautiful, my mother and I visited a lot of shrines and such. We even went to a saki factory, but I wasn’t allowed any saki since I was underage. One of the coolest places we visited was the Nara Deer Park. It was amazing how tame the deer were. While we were in Tokyo, my mom had to give a presentation at the Japan headquarters of the company she works for. While she was doing that, I ventured around Tokyo by myself. It was kind of intimidating, but cool at the same time. I traveled from the Shinjuku station to the Daimon station to visit the Pokémon Center that was nearby, which I just found out is permanantly closed. As you guys may or may not know, I am a huge Pokémon fan! I actually still have the sticker and souveneir bag they gave me when I visited the shop. I then traveled back to Shinjuku staion via the Daimon station. I made it back to my hotel, getting a little lost, but luckily I had the pocket wifi on me so I could use Google Maps to get back.

I promise I will get back to my regular Tuesday posting this week!

If you want to see my pictures from Japan, visit here it goes right to the album:

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Name – Ainslie Eliza

After her grandmother Ainslie Smith Quick

And yes that is spelled the right way

Nickname(s): Ains, Bumslee, Umslee, Frodo, Winslow

A happy child who grew to become a part of a dark epidemic

That of drugs, self harm, alcohol, mental illness, and cigarettes

A rare type of artist

One of a kind

A poet trying to make it in a sea overflowing

On a roller coaster called life

Once crashed now forever going up

Until further notice

Ainslie Eliza

Born July 21, 1997

An artist fighting to be free

Free from life’s shackles