College Heartbreak

I wish my mother was wrong when she said you never forget your first college love

Honestly I didn’t think I’d have to forget you

After your leaving, you disapeared from every record

Yet what else would I expect – you never wanted to leave a trail anywhere but my neck when you still loved me

People ask me if you survived past that year and I am as clueless as they – the only difference is our bodies were intertwined enough that fingerprints lingered months after drifting away

I don’t use those sheets anymore, I’m afraid they’ll still smell like you

Which would be the only thing you left me other than memories played on repeat trying to figure out how I could have made you stay

I told myself it was just bad timing

But I kept running over that day like a child running their tongue  over the spot a tooth once was

How I could tell by your distance

And the pain in your sea green eyes you were trying so hard to hide from me

You hesitated as if for a moment you were thinking about keeping our love in a locket around your neck

Now hidden in a drawer somewhere collecting dust

I have no idea if you exist on this earth anymore other than in memories

And sometimes that’s worse than mourning someone in the ground


Mental Illness vs. Education

My high school was a cheesy 80s movie

My friends and I smoked cigarettes under the bleachers and in the dugout

Once even in a girls bathroom, nearly setting the school on fire

Three of us broke a window, forcing the school to bolt them shut the next year

I spent half of my high school career in detention, making it a miracle when I didn’t get any my senior year

Many of my high school teachers saw through it all and knew I actually had a brain smart enough to get into college

Many panic attacks in bathrooms, hospital visits, days spent in the guidance office, therapy sessions, psychiatrist appointments, and hallucinations in hallways later, I got to a university I never thought I had the chance of going to

College enjoys trying to break me down

The counseling center cannot take people like myself

Those who require “extended care” are referred to a center a town and a bus ride away, a place I cannot squeeze into my ever busy schedule

Friends have needed police aid to not end it due to inadequate care here for people like us

Getting out of bed is one thing but falling into the pit of despair is another

I cannot count how many times I thought of leaving this world since arrival, having to pull myself out of the darkness enough to know my problems will not be solved by ceasing to exist

I have not seen the world yet, no matter how many lovers leaving make me think that I have

No combination of booze and drugs can fix you but damn does it feel so when you are laying on your floor out of your mind

I thought it would all go away but some days it feels worse than years spent being a fly on the wall

I am lucky enough to still be in the world I built myself

“Self Obsessed” – My A**

I am so sick of seeing major magazines and blogs publishing articles about how millennials are lazy and self obsessed, titling us the “selfie generation”. The authors are preaching as if they’re perfect in every single way possible. Older adults act as if we sit at home all the time doing nothing of importance to them, like we spend all summer sitting in front of a computer or tablet screen on social networking sites. In reality, that is the opposite of what happens. For example, I volunteered from the time I was 13 until I was 16 and got my first paying job at my state’s minimum wage of $7.25 an hour. I may be an anomaly, but I am still an example. I am in my second year of working at the same minimum wage job, and I see many more peers working at the same employer for their last two years of high school and in many cases through college.

Also if you want to pull the “graduation rates are lower and less kids are going to college than when I was your age” card, here are some statistics on that. According to multiple sources, 81% of high school students in the class of 2012 graduated, which is an all time high. About 66.2% of 2012 graduates would go to attend college the fall after graduation, with a higher percentage of females attending. Keep in mind this is happening while the cost of college has risen 400% from 1982 to 2007.
According to Bloomberg, tuition and fees have increased 1,120% since records began in 1978. With this, kids in my generation won’t be paying off our loans until we’re 35. When the authors of these articles were in college, they could easily work their way through college, but since inflation of college prices has skyrocketed there isn’t a chance in hell for us. Until people take the blame for their mistakes, my generation will have the burden of past generations’ mistakes on our shoulders. And everyone is wondering why we aren’t having kids when a kid can cost as much as a house that we will never be able to afford. But I guess that’s a problem for another day.


So I realize I haven’t posted in a while. I have been busy with filling out college applications and school work. This summer I was also very busy with my job, traveling, and getting my wisdom teeth removed. Fun fact(s) I only had three wisdom teeth and one had grown in sideways. The park closed in November, so since then I have been doing copius amounts of school work and such. I also traveled to Japan with my mom in August. I will talk about that a little later in this post.

So with applying to colleges, the three I applied to were an art school, a small liberal arts college, and the state university. I got accepted to all three surprisingly. I would study photography if I went to art school, communications if I went to the liberal arts school, and linguistics if I went to the state university. I’m not sure which I will attend yet, any advice will be kindly taken.

I also visited Japan with my mom! We were in Kyoto for a week and we were in Tokyo for three days just about. It was insanely cool! My dad lived in Japan while he was in the service, so he told us a little about what it was like when he was living there. Kyoto was beautiful, my mother and I visited a lot of shrines and such. We even went to a saki factory, but I wasn’t allowed any saki since I was underage. One of the coolest places we visited was the Nara Deer Park. It was amazing how tame the deer were. While we were in Tokyo, my mom had to give a presentation at the Japan headquarters of the company she works for. While she was doing that, I ventured around Tokyo by myself. It was kind of intimidating, but cool at the same time. I traveled from the Shinjuku station to the Daimon station to visit the Pokémon Center that was nearby, which I just found out is permanantly closed. As you guys may or may not know, I am a huge Pokémon fan! I actually still have the sticker and souveneir bag they gave me when I visited the shop. I then traveled back to Shinjuku staion via the Daimon station. I made it back to my hotel, getting a little lost, but luckily I had the pocket wifi on me so I could use Google Maps to get back.

I promise I will get back to my regular Tuesday posting this week!

If you want to see my pictures from Japan, visit here it goes right to the album:

edit 1


Ok coring post today. So I being a junior in high school, I need to look into colleges to apply to. See I’m thinking about art school. There are a few majors I’m considering. I’m thinking of a photography major, art education major, or art major in general. It’s nerve wracking thinking of what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m only 16, why am I doing this now? I think the only think keeping me excited is going to school in San Francisco. There’s an underlying worry that I won’t get into the colleges I want to attend. There’s also the fear that I’ll end up being a bum on the streets. Hopefully the opposite of that will happen.