Dear High School Sweetheart

I try not to keep track of you anymore

I try to forget the taste of your poison but some days it’s hard

When I am reminded of you it feels like the walls are closing in and it gets harder to breathe

I am afraid to see you face to face again for warm tears may run down my face and my hands may shake

Some days I wake up and wish you had finished carving me up with the knife you called love, twisting in my chest where my heart is

Leaving me to bleed out – but you patched me up just enough that I would be a carcass of the person who once held potential

I killed the version of myself that you loved, fearing you would come back for her

You would not recognize me now and I’d rather keep it that way

Your abuse painted me into the sky hoping I would disappear in time to not release your secrets into the night

Telling me I was a masterpiece waiting to be finished, just not by you

Walking away was the best decision I could have made for myself

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Aftermath

You quoted George Orwell saying “We will meet in a place where there is no darkness”

To which my response was “baby there will always be darkness”

 

For months I beat myself up for not leaving earlier when the first warning signs appeared

Lamenting that I was the only one hurting

You said we would have a future, just skirting around “love” to be someone who once was

I daydreamed of walking down the aisle to promise forever

The white dress leaving our friends and family gawking

Daydreaming about the way the sun shone in our kids hair and the reflection of the ocean in their eyes

I wanted it so badly to last beyond its expiration date

 

These days I tie our memories to balloons to watch them float to anywhere but here

They will see how I gave you so much in so little time

I am still trying to forget the small details

The kids you wanted, the names you already picked, the freckles written on your body you preferred over others

I wonder if she tastes sweeter than I did

Or if the moon told her all the secrets that I gave her nights you soundly snored in my arms

Allergen

The spring allergies developed 6 months after leaving the man who promised me forever

Coincidentally, his birthday is in the deadĀ of spring

My body tries to rid itself of percieved toxins

Or the remnants of his touch months after dusting his fingerprints away

His poison words decorated with flowers twisting into “but I love you”

Lowering my casket a little lower with every argument crucifying me

Having me paint you in the likeness of a god

So that when you left no one would listen to the girl who cried wolf

The only compliment I have left for him is that he is a wonderful actor

His fake tears in the spotlight so no one would see the ghost he left behind

The shell of me pried open with his delicate fingers working in time with the poison oozing from his lips

Dotted with poems illuminating his love for me

Because I was the only one his heart was tangled up in

I guess you were tangled up in me, you left behind some thorns

Each time I see you my heart bleeds a little more

Cheeks stung by tears that flow as rivers

Y’know I just blame the pollen now

Not Always Bruises

People always ask why I left my ex

Because he is oh so attractive

Or he is so musically talented

Just because someone is aesthetically pleasing

Doesn’t obligate you to stay with them

Nor does sheer talent

He told me he could never love another the way he loved me

Yet he touched me as if I was a book he no longer cared to read

He talked down to me

Like my default was on my knees

A month after I left him he deleted me off Facebook and unfollowed me on all social media

Talk about being fucking bitter

See he didn’t have to experience the power of his words

How they felt like kicks and punches

Leaving me feeling black and blue

Every time I stood my ground his words would rip out my throat

He stuck his hand into my chest

Suffocating my heart

Twisting it out slower than paint dries

Enjoying the sound of every blood vessel ripping

Don’t tell me he was a good fit

Back

Where did we go wrong?

You told them what you should’ve told me

I loved you

Like a fire craves oxygen

Now there’s not an ember left

See I’m not the girl you fell in love wiht anymore

I kicked her out

I couldn’t bear living with her

There’s no one left for you here

Don’t you think about sending that

“i miss you, I still love you” text

There was a point where you were the one

But that time has passed on

And the part of me that loved you

Is slowly dying

While the part of me that loves him

Is flourishing every day

Filling the emptiness that you left

You don’t live here anymore

I’m done being your toy

She’s all yours

Please don’t come back

Please don’t come back

Stuck On Me

You said you were stuck on me
I didn’t understand
A month later I got a new boyfriend
I was sick of you
Treating me like a rug
As if you could walk all over me
Barely acknowledging my existance
Outside you’re little tiny world
Well, you were also shit at sex
A month after I got with him
You started dating your best friend’s ex
Throwing my memory down the drain
Along with your best friend
You say she’s the one
You said that about me too
You said you were stuck on me
5 months later
And I still don’t understand