Zoloft acts for me as a crutch that allows my moods to stay on the ground
Recently I was off for a couple weeks for the first time in 3 years
See I don’t really know how long it was because I lose all understanding of the concept of time
And usually the voices are dull and whispering like the quiet hum of FM static on the car radio
But they were turned up to the sound of thunder cracking, crackling, colliding
Just as I remembered
I had to act like I didn’t have knives twisting my heart out
I had no idea if I even existed
Maybe I was a phantom
Or in purgatory
The first week without I didn’t want to leave my bed
My feet were bricks that I could not carry
The next couple weeks
Insurance was fighting me
Presumably trying to kill me
Paranoia was seducing me with ideas that everyone was trying to kill me
My father said I sounded so far gone that it scared him
Because maybe this time the voices would actually convince me to fill my lungs with concrete
Emptying the roadmap of veins running through my body
Watching a loved one go through this is like watching a horror movie over and over
Thinking the ending will be something different
Over the phone my father asked about the hallucinations
Trying not to tell him that part of me was convinced his voice was one
I told him they were old friends visiting
I couldn’t bring myself to joke that I should name them
Eventually I got my lifeline back
Stopping the world from spinning 20 different ways while collapsing in on itself
