Trauma survivors are noted to experience derealization
Meaning life is lived like a dream you can’t quite wake up from
No matter how hard I try – pills, the blood, trying any drug that will make me feel closer to earth
I could never wake up when I really needed to
Wishing it was all a dream when it wasn’t
What happened to me remains as a limestone memorial reaching the sky
Memory picking away at it with a knife making no headway – I never wanted to remember
I wanted it to be a dream but instead what was suppose to be the best years of my life I was convinced it was all a dream
Stuck in a loop rewinding the previous day over and over and over
Because did I really live it if she wasn’t actively hurting me? Giving me what I deserved?
One day years later, I woke up in another nightmare
Panicked because it couldn’t be happening again with a boy’s sickly sweet smile drawing me to his addictive mahogany eyes
Abuse can’t happen twice, can it?
I’m stuck in replay again because every day passes without him hurting me
But that’s all I’m convinced I’m worth
Someone bring me back to the present