Fragments of Feelings

“Even if you called 6 months later, at 3am i’d still answer.” – Unknown

Looking at you ignited a fire in my heart that made its way down to my stomach

Your leaving in silence plucked all the flowers from my heart

All the tears were used in extinguishing that flame that wouldn’t go out until months after you leaving

“You’re trying to leave yourself behind, but you can’t. The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you’ll have yourself with you.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I remember in fragments

Trauma compromised my memory so I would not have to watch over and over feeling the sting of their knuckles on my skin

Photographs capture moments my brain didn’t

Years were flushed away and I struggle to keep moving forward

If they could feel every time I crack back open in the breaking of their heart but ain’t it debatable if any of them have one

Trauma is not the end of the line but I string the memories on a laundry line one by one, running over them again and again so I know I won’t begin erasing them again

Most still leave as soon as they come but I keep those ones safe in a locked box under my bed

“Life went on without you. Of course, it did. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, they tell me, not the end.” – Lang Leav

 

Surviving means ripping yourself to pieces before someone else has the chance to

I know he won’t stay

I breathe in the smell of his skin so I won’t forget but I know when my heart breaks for him I will erase it from my memory thinking it will protect me

The ghosts of freckles down his back are impossible to count but I still try

His hands will try to remember my skin with another woman

He won’t be able to remember the way I look when I first wake up or how my smile forms but goddamn he will try

He will not win that battle

“Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.” – Nikita Gill

I am happy nor sad

I merely exist to feel the wind on my face and the rain stick to my skin

Each rolling clap of thunder and lightning flash bring you closer to me

Emotions come and go and I cannot force them to make a home out of me

I am waiting here for you to come home to my arms

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