8 Years Old

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

Carving my skin as if it was Thanksgiving dinner

Painting the constellations in your eyes

Desperate to map every mountain, every forest making a home of your body

I wanted you drawn in the beauty I saw you before you left

Before I snapped, letting myself no longer be

At 8 we would swing high enough to see our feet touching the clouds

Hoping to get a taste of heaven for a moment

Five years later I wanted the whirlwind of pain to stop haunting me

Heaven or hell, didn’t matter to me as long as each piece of me agreed to no longer function

My brain no longer consented to being alive

Everyone thought I was a monster for an illness I didn’t put on my Christmas list, though they thought I did

I didn’t ask for my mind to quit on me so soon

I was a job it no longer wanted to work

None of me works like its suppose to anymore

I tried so hard to memorize you before you left but these days I can barely remember where I am

When I was 8 years old I wanted to live forever

Five years later I no longer wished to exist

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