One Sided Conversation With my Therapist

After Desireé Dallagiacomo

I am so afraid

Bruises bring me back to days I remind myself to forget

When I wished some accident would cease my existence in the present tense

Memories folded up in pockets, crinkled in the crease of the shirt they wore the last time they saw me laughing

I’m still afraid to eat but I weigh more than the wings of a bird now

How do I cope with not being good enough?

Kids younger than me are inventing, discovering, changing the world

All I do is scratch lines on dead trees pretending I’m making a difference

People are afraid of me

But the only thing to fear are the diseases nobody warned them about

Don’t worry – they’re not transmittable, I tried gifting them in a little box to the people who ripped my heart out of my chest

I tried coughing them out of my lungs but that hasn’t worked yet

My fight or flight reflex has gone haywire since the days I was riddled with handed violence handed down from people I thought cared about me

Now I can barely remember who’s air I’m breathing, the planet I’m on, the time I belong to

Her hands weren’t gentle, his words were the poison I wanted years earlier when the only thought I had was about death and how to meet her

How can I cope with addictions I was gifted?

Mania will take any mind altering substance it can get its grimy hands on

Taking me higher or tethering me back to Earth, anything will do

Depression loves anything that brings it back to its feet

I have watched too many people I love destroy themselves like this

 

How do I live in a society that looks down on the mentally ill who rely on medication to keep them alive?

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