After Desireé Dallagiacomo
I am so afraid
Bruises bring me back to days I remind myself to forget
When I wished some accident would cease my existence in the present tense
Memories folded up in pockets, crinkled in the crease of the shirt they wore the last time they saw me laughing
I’m still afraid to eat but I weigh more than the wings of a bird now
How do I cope with not being good enough?
Kids younger than me are inventing, discovering, changing the world
All I do is scratch lines on dead trees pretending I’m making a difference
People are afraid of me
But the only thing to fear are the diseases nobody warned them about
Don’t worry – they’re not transmittable, I tried gifting them in a little box to the people who ripped my heart out of my chest
I tried coughing them out of my lungs but that hasn’t worked yet
My fight or flight reflex has gone haywire since the days I was riddled with handed violence handed down from people I thought cared about me
Now I can barely remember who’s air I’m breathing, the planet I’m on, the time I belong to
Her hands weren’t gentle, his words were the poison I wanted years earlier when the only thought I had was about death and how to meet her
How can I cope with addictions I was gifted?
Mania will take any mind altering substance it can get its grimy hands on
Taking me higher or tethering me back to Earth, anything will do
Depression loves anything that brings it back to its feet
I have watched too many people I love destroy themselves like this
How do I live in a society that looks down on the mentally ill who rely on medication to keep them alive?