Finding Myself

My mother wanted to raise my sister and I with the knowledge of a religion. So when I was about 5 years old,  my sister being 3, she started attending a Congregational church with us. We were baptized at those ages. We kept attending regularly for years. I blindly believed it because I was just a kid. I didn’t know anything else. Then I fell into mental illness. I was depressed and about 2 lbs away from being diagnosed with anorexia, but they should have just diagnosed me then and there. On the internet I always read about these Christian churches condemning mental illness, saying that it was your fault and that if you fell ill with one you were going to hell. I was scared by this preaching. I was also trying to figure out my sexuality, and many of religions like to condemn homosexuality to hell. This just made everything worse and I was even more afraid. Once I began recovering, I started reading around about different religions. The Christian stories stopped making sense to me and I had stopped identifying with Christian practices. I wished to be Hindu because one of my heroes was, but I didn’t identify with the beliefs. I kept reading around and I found that Buddhism made the most sense to me and I related with the teachings. I began meditating on a not so regular basis and reading books on beliefs and such. Now Buddhism is helping me recover even more, because I realize that nothing is permanent. Buddhism changes with the times, and I find it most relevant with the time we live in. It has evolved in a way that other religions have not. I still go to church today with my mom and sister, and my family accepts the religion or philosophy that I chose. If you were wondering about the sexuality bit, I use the umbrella term queer, which I feel lets me date whoever I feel a deeper connection with.

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